Bound By Love
by LiveinLivingColor
Summary: A collection of ficlets and drabbles surrounding the lives of Addison and Derek. Addek
1. Awake

A/N: Okay, so I'm going to explain this. It's basically a collection of a bunch of ficlets, drabbles and one shots, because I write too many of them as it is, so I figured I'd keep them in one place. Some will be long, some won't, some will be really random, angsty, funny, whatever. Basically, it's an addek ficlet collection. Most of them will be based on songs, but some will just be random words that make me think of addek. Anyway, on with drabble ficlet thing number one.

_A beautiful and blinding morning  
The world outside begins to breathe  
See clouds arriving without warning  
I need you here to shelter me  
And I know that only time will tell us how  
To carry on without each other_

Derek woke up to the sun coming in from the window. He could feel it on his skin, warm and bright, rare enough for Seattle. He hadn't yet opened his eyes, but when he did, he saw red. Addison's hair, familiar to him as his own, surrounding his eyes in a pool of crimson, his arms wrapped around her as they lay in his bed in the trailer.

He peered over at her eyes, still shut, her body stilled with sleep. He had always loved to watch her sleep, throughout the fifteen years they'd known each other, and he used to wake up early just to watch and wait for her.

She stirred, and when her eyes opened, they met his. Immediately she shot up, pulling out of his grasp and whipping around to face him. He hair was all over the place, her clothes disheveled and her eyes full of worry. Derek stared at her, because even though she'd just woken up and was completely floored by her surroundings, she looked beautiful.

"Derek," she spoke, her voice still low with sleep, "What happened last night?"

He smiled at her and sat up as he replied. "We were at the hospital Valentine's Day party, remember?"

She nodded, thinking back on the events, then her face turned white and her eyes were horror-stricken. "Oh my God…"

"You were sitting with Callie for a while, and then Miranda, but eventually you headed to the bar and sat there for a while. Around eleven, I went over there and we started talking about how Valentine's Day is the worst holiday ever invented, and how it sucks, and then…" He paused, making a gesture with his hand. She gasped, finally realizing what had happened.

"Yeah." He said, nodding.

She ran a hand through her hair, obviously freaking out, and suddenly turned to him. Oh my God, Derek, what are we going to do? We're _divorced_. Divorced people don't get drunk at hospital parties and end up in bed together. It doesn't work that way! We're not supposed to-"

She was cut off as he tackled her, pulling her down to the bed with him. She broke apart first, pushing him off of her. He kept a hold on her wrists, smiling at her.

"Derek, we can't…"

"Addie," he said, cutting her off again, "Do you remember those days in New York when we both called in sick and we'd just spend the day together at home, just sitting here?"

She nodded, breaking eye contact.

"I say we do it again. One last time. Who cares, right? No one can do anything about it."

"But Derek, we're divorced-"

"So? What divorce handbook made the rule that we can't just hang out all day?"

"Well…" She looked back at him, contemplating, then sighed. "Fine. Okay."

"Good." He kissed her again, then reached for the phone next to his bed.

"Hi, Richard, I won't be coming in today. Yeah, I'm actually sick. I think I'm coming down with strep throat, so I'm just going to stay in and try and fight it off before it turns into something worse. Okay, see you tomorrow. Goodbye."

He clicked the phone off and handed it to Addison, and reluctantly she dialed.

"Richard? Hey, it's Addison. I'm supposed to be at work in an hour, but I have the flu. I've been sick all morning…" she lied, trying not to laugh as Derek made funny faces next to her. It was a game they'd played- whoever laughed during their lie to the Chief had to confess the next day.

Addison kept her resolve, finishing her conversation. "Okay, I'll take it easy. Thanks, Richard. I'll keep you posted. Bye."

She hung up, handing him the phone.

"I guess we both win."

Meanwhile, Richard smirked in his office.

"Idiots. They used that excuse last time. Flu and strep…" he muttered, laughing to himself as he walked off.

_So keep me awake to memorize you  
Give me more time to feel this way  
We can't stay like this forever  
But I can have you next to me today  
If I could make these moments endless  
If I could stop the winds of change  
If we just keep our eyes wide open  
Then everything would stay the same_

_And I know that only time will tell me how  
We'll carry on without each other  
So keep me awake for every moment  
Give us more time to be this way  
We can't stay like this forever  
But I can have you next to me today_

Around eleven, Addison got up and walked to the kitchen and started opening cabinets.

"Hey, you stole me spatula!"

"What spatula?"

"The one I use to make omelets. You still have it here."

"Is that so?" He asked, walking into the kitchen.

"Derek, I dropped an-"

It was too late, for Derek was on the floor, a cracked egg sitting underneath him.

"-egg." She finished, giggling.

"Not funny. Help me up." She reached down to him, and he pulled her down on top of him, the pair laughing on the floor, covered in raw egg.

_We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me  
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see  
We can't stay this way forever  
But I have you here today_

That night, Derek and Addison sat on the couch, wrapped in blankets watching _Love Actually_, a movie they'd watched together since it came out, and as the last airport scene rolled, Derek turned to Addison. She looked at him and smiled, and he leaned over to kiss her. She gave in for a moment, letting herself absorb him for the last time.

They broke apart and rested her forehead on his, then took her bag in one hand and his hand in the other.

"I have to go, Derek."

"Addie-"

"No. This…this was wonderful, but this isn't fair. Not when we know that we won't be together tomorrow."

"But-"

"Derek, what about Meredith?"

"I…" He dropped his eyes, then looked back at her.

"I love you." He said, squeezing her hand tighter.

"I know. I love you too."

With that, she let go of his hand and walked out the door, and he watched her form retreat to her car. Derek looked back at the screen, the scene and the song behind it ending.

"God only knows what I'd be without you…"

_And I will remember  
Oh I will remember  
Remember all the love we shared today_


	2. Birthday

A/N: I'm glad people are liking this idea! Here's the next ficlet/vignette thing, which I thought up during my Global Relations class today, while my teacher was going over the syllabus for the 10th time I'd heard it that day and talking about Irish folk music. Then, I talked with my health teacher about the benefits of crayons. It's been a _long_ day. Oh, and if you watched Gilmore Girls tonight, Chris is _toast_. HAHAHAHA. Anyway, on with it.

Derek stood in the aisle at the Hallmark card store, his eyes scanning the colorful cards for every occasion imaginable. The Valentine's Day cards were displayed in red and pink on one end, with the birthday cards on the other. He picked up a card and stared at its cover, glittered and covered in pink painted roses. _This is the perfect card_, he thought. The lettering was scripted in beautiful cursive, and as he ran his fingers over the raised words, gentle hands took him by the shoulder.

He turned to see Adele Webber, who had taken the card slowly from his grasp, led him a few steps over, and gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder. He looked puzzled, and she pointed to the rack of cards in front of him. _Birthdays-for her_, it read, and then she smiled sympathetically at him as he looked to where he had been standing before: _Valentine's Day-wife_.

XOXOXOXOXO

Addison had never been so relieved to reach her office. All day, the nurses and interns had been whispering to each other about _"Why does she have so many gifts?" _and _"How many people is she dating?"_

It wasn't easy sharing a birthday with the world's most romantic- and cheesy- holiday of the year.

She used to love Valentine's Day. She and Derek usually took the next day off and constantly sought each other out during the day itself, and eventually Richard learned that they were never going to focus on Valentine's Day.

She slumped down in her chair, and when she did she noticed a box sitting on her desk, along with a number of envelopes. She reached for the cards first, opening the flaps.

_Addie-_

_Hope you're having a great birthday. Remember I'm here if you ever need to talk._

_-Richard_

_Ads!_

_38, huh? Time flies. It seems like yesterday we were throwing that huge 30th birthday party for you at the brownstone. Come visit us soon, we miss you!_

_-Savvy and Weiss_

_Doctor Montgomery,_

_You've taught us a lot this past year, even if we didn't seem very grateful for it. We're really glad that we get to work with you. Have a great birthday._

_-Izzie, George and Alex_

_Addison,_

_No one in this hospital tells me anything. I found out this morning that it was your birthday from your McAsshat ex-husband, and I had to write you a card on hospital stationary. Nurse Debbie gave me the envelope, so this is all I can do at the moment. I'll look for you later and give you a real card…_

_-Miranda_

Addison smiled at the cards in front of her and then moved on to the last thing. The box with a card on top. She opened the card first, reading it's Hallmark words and then the message underneath it, written in familiar script.

_Addie-_

_Eleven birthdays. Eleven. Eleven years together. You don't forget that. I didn't know what to get you this year, because what do you get for your ex-wife, anyway? I actually lost sleep over what I was going to write on this card. This is sad. Anyway, happy birthday. 38 years and you still look as beautiful as the day I met you._

_Love,_

_Derek_

Addison simply stared at it, slightly smirking at the rambling sentences he'd written out. She could picture him writing it, running a hand through his Russell-Crowe hair and clicking his pen against the desk, like he always did when he was nervous. She reached for the wrapped box, and as she opened it it revealed a picture frame. Inside it was a photo of Addison and Derek, laughing as Derek tackled her on the couch in his mother's living room. There was a note attached, that said:

_Addie-_

_When Derek asked us for this picture, we weren't sure what he wanted it for. But then we figured out that he must want it for your birthday gift, and it was perfect. After all this time, you're still our sister, you know that, right?_

_-Nancy, Erin, Kathleen and Amy_

Addison felt tears start coming to her eyes, but forced them back when she saw another envelope, forgotten under the box. She opened it and pulled it out- a card and a note. She read the note first.

_Addie-_

_This is the card he wanted to buy. He didn't even realize he was looking in the wife section. If that doesn't tell you something, nothing will. Happy birthday, sweetheart._

_-Adele_

She looked at the card next, pink with sparkling glitter and roses, and engraved red lettering.

_To my wife-_

She opened the card.

_We've been through so much,_

_Sadness, anger and even betrayal_

_But sometimes,_

_Love is enough, no matter what people say_

_Love will be enough for us,_

_And remember that _

_Even if we hit an obstacle on the way,_

_We will make it, because together,_

_We can conquer anything_

_I love you, and_

_Happy Valentine's Day_

Addison started to cry now as she read the poetic lines, so perfectly written they seemed like they'd come from her heart.

"Damnit!" She said as the tears fell, "Hallmark is supposed to be happy, not depressing. God!"

She looked at the card one more time, then to Derek's card and then to Adele's note, and suddenly jumped from her chair and ran down the hallway.

She spotted him sitting on an abandoned gurney in the hallway, and he caught her eye.

"Addie, hey." She walked closer and sat next to him. "Happy birthday."

Out of habit, he kissed her cheek, and she flushed and looked down at her hands. Slowly, she lifted the card.

"Derek, what is this?"

"Where-where did you get that?"

"Adele sent it."

He sighed. "I-I'm sorry. I just…habit, you know?" He tried to manage an awkward laugh.

"Did Meredith know you were out buying me a card? Or about the picture?"

He looked down. "No…" He looked back at her. "She wouldn't understand."

"Derek, why did you get me a card and a present and everything?"

"Because…it's your birthday, and it's Valentine's Day, and…" He trailed off. "And it's our day. _This _is our day, damnit! This wasn't how this was supposed to be. And I'm so Goddamned _confused,_ because when Meredith woke me up this morning, I brushed her off and I didn't even wish her a happy Valentine's Day. All I cared about was getting you the perfect birthday card. I had to wrap the frame in secret. I'm keeping secrets from her already, and we've only been back together for a month. Less than a month! God! What the _hell _is wrong with me?"

She sat there, silent, staring at him.

"I don't know, Derek."

They sat there a minute and just stared at each other, trying to guess what the other was thinking.

"I don't love her, you know." He said, breaking the silence and their eye contact. "I thought I did, but I was just trying to run away again."

"I get that." Addison said, thinking of Mark.

Simultaneously, they flopped back on the gurney, lying in opposite directions. He reached out for her hand, and against her better judgment, she let him take it.

"We are _too_ fucked up for other people, you know that?"

"We deserve to be single and alone with fifty cats."

"Or we could be single and lonely together with a hundred cats."

"That's a _lot _of cat food."

They both started cracking up, and Addison almost fell off the side of the gurney as she laughed, struggling to pull herself back up. Suddenly, their laughs turned silent when they made eye contact, inches apart. Before Addison knew what was happening, she was being kissed and she was falling off the gurney and…

_Bam!_

The two of them fell to the floor with a crash, Addison pulling Derek down with her as he tried to catch her. That just started a new fit of laughing, and when they heard footsteps halt directly behind them, they became _very_ aware of their position.

"Oh, seriously?" One voice echoed behind them, a whisper.

"What do we do?"

"I don't know! I need to give her this chart!"

"Fine. Cristina, will you ask her?"

"No!"

"Izzie?"

Cristina, Alex and George all turned to her, and the blonde sighed.

"Fine."

She stepped forward a few steps and cleared her throat.

"Um…Doctor Montgomery? I…I kind of need to give you this chart, so if Doctor Shepherd could…um…dismount, that would be great…"

Izzie was red, blushing as Derek crawled off of Addison sheepishly and took the chart from Izzie, handing it to Addison, who was still lying there, whispering, "This is _not_ happening."

She took the chart.

"Thanks, Stevens. I'll…uh, meet you up in NICU in five minutes."

The intern nodded and ran off, bursting into laughter as she ran off with the rest of the group.

"Oh, I am _so_ telling Meredith."


	3. Ironic

A/N: This is the third ficlet in the series, which I thought of while watching psych.

_It's like rain on your wedding day_

_A free ride when you've already paid_

_Some good advice that you just wouldn't take_

_Isn't it ironic?_

_February 14, 2007_

Addison stood in the doorway of the one place she never in a million years thought she would be.

It was only Joe's Bar, a familiar place, but the event going on was the thing she'd made fun of her whole adult life.

Addison Montgomery was speed dating.

The whole thing was Nurse Debbie's fault, really. She was asking everyone what they were doing for Valentine's day, being the nosy gossip she was, and after finding out that Addison planned to sit at home that night and watch old movies- she'd left the feeling sorry for herself part out, mainly because she refused to feel sorry for herself, ever- Debbie excitedly called Joe's and signed Addison up.

When Addison was in her first year interning in New York, their resident, who was, coincidentally, Richard, had stumbled upon Addison and Derek in the supply closet, doing something that wasn't exactly related to medicine. She had thought, then, that is was the most humiliating moment of her life.

_Scratch that,_ she thought, taking a step towards the bar, _this is the most humiliating moment of my life_.

Joe got everyone's attention and gave Debbie a chance to speak.

"Okay," she said, smiling annoyingly at everyone, "Time to start! Isn't this _exciting_? Okay, everyone find your number and go to the table. Let the speed dating begin!"

Addison sighed and went to table three, and a few seconds later she was joined by a man who was balding and looked old enough to be her father.

"So," he started, "What do you do for a living?"

She managed a smile. "I'm a Neo-natal surgeon. OB/GYN."

"Wow. So that's a…doctor, right?"

_Ding!_

She jumped up and moved to the next table, where a man who looked to be in his early twenties sat.

"Hi." He said, staring at her.

"Hello."

"So…uh…my name's Brian. As soon as I graduate high school, I'll get my own car."

_Ding!_

"What's your middle name?"

_Ding!_

"What's your favorite color?"

_Ding!_

"Do you have any allergies?"

_Ding!_

"Have you ever gotten an STD?"

_Ding!_

"Don't you hate those stupid internet popups?"

_Ding!_

Addison had decided, by the second to last table, that the next time she talked to Debbie she would say she had plans with an extremely handsome foreign man that bought her expensive gifts and took her out to restaurants every night, because that would shut her up.

She stared down at her drink, which was slowly getting less and less full when she felt someone sit across from her.

"Right off the bat, I won't tell you my middle name, my favorite color, or my allergies. I've never had an STD, and I don't care about internet popups."

"Forbes."

"What?"

"Your middle name. It's Forbes."

She looked up and her eyes met his, dark and blue and familiar.

"Derek." She breathed, then started outright laughing at the situation.

"Your favorite color is emerald green, you're allergic to cottonwood trees, I _hope_ you've never had an STD or I could be in some trouble, and…internet popups? Who asked you about internet popups?"

"Hey, I'm sure you got some _very_ weird questions, too."

"Actually, I did. That blonde over there asked if I had ever owned a chinchilla. And the woman over there who I thought was a man at first asked if I thought she was fat in her outfit."

"What did you say?" Addison asked, incredulous.

"The bell rang. Thank _God_."

They smiled at each other for a moment, then they heard the now familiar dinging of the bell. A tall, blonde woman who looked like she'd stepped off the cover of Vogue walked next to Addison's chair and smiled at Derek.

He looked from Addison to the strange woman and smiled back, then said, politely, "You might want to keep going. This could take a while."

She scowled and moved to the next table, and Addison burst out laughing.

"Derek! You kicked out your potential soul mate! Debbie would kill you, McDreamy or not."

"Well, I didn't want to go out with her, anyway."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to sit here with you. Besides, I think your next prospect was that guy over there."

Addison followed Derek's gaze over to the wall, where none other than Richard Webber sat, looking confused.

"Oh my God. _That_ would have been awkward!"

They both laughed, until Richard looked at them, looked a little taken aback, and smiled sheepishly. Addison waved, then they heard Debbie's voice again.

"Okay, everyone, the rotations are over! Before we announce the matches on your questionnaires, we'd like to announce one special match. This couple had a perfect one hundred match up, a first in the Emerald City annual speed dating festival. And they're sitting right there!"

Addison and Derek looked from Debbie to each other, then realized that she was, indeed, pointing at them.

The rest of the room clapped quietly.

"This is even more awkward." Addison whispered, managing a smile at Debbie while she imagined blowing her up with a flame thrower.

"Thanks for coming, everyone, and have a great night!"

The rest of the group went to find their matches, while Addison stood and gathered her coat and purse.

Richard passed them on his way up, smirking.

"I knew it. Isn't it ironic?"

They stare at each other and Addison starts to turn away.

"Goodnight, Derek."

He watches her go and then, to his own surprise, calls, "Wait!"

She looks back, her hair falling in waves over her shoulders.

"It's Valentine 's Day, and we put ourselves through this awful speed dating thing, so…why don't we make the best of it?"

"What do you mean?"

He walks up next to her and smiles, a Derek smile. Not the McDreamy smile, the one that girls fell for, but the Derek smile- the one he'd always saved for her.

"Come on," He said, starting out the door, "I'm taking you out."

_February 14, 2008_

Addison didn't know why she followed Derek out of the bar one year ago today. It was a stupid choice, mostly because she shouldn't have been digging herself into that hole again- she would probably just get hurt again, she should have know better, she should have stopped and gone home and watched her movies…

There were too many "She should haves" for Addison to count, and frankly, she didn't want to.

Here she was, a year later. Same day. Same awful speed dating festival, but this time, she wasn't attending it. This was the difference between a year ago and now:

Now, she was sitting in an apartment with a man who, although he isn't foreign or buys her expensive things to win her over or takes her out every night, loves her, and that is enough to tell the world about.

As she sits on the couch watching _The Way We Were _in Derek's arms, she remembers something.

"Hey, Derek?"

"Hm?" He looks at her, smiling.

"Remind me to send Debbie a thank you card."


	4. Wrong

When she looks into that window, the window separating the four doctors from the patient on the other side of the glass wall, she knows. She needs to get there, to _do something_, she isn't going to watch someone die right in front of her.

When she runs through the door, pulling on her masks, she can hear Mark's voice yelling her name. Derek says nothing, and when she glances back up at the glass he isn't even looking at her.

She brings herself back to reality and rushes around the operating table, and Mark is yelling again, screaming, "Get the hell out of there!" and she stumbles through her response.

"She's awake, Mark, she's awake and open on the table. I need to know her weight so I can dose her…"

She's trailing off, she knows, and Mark finally calls back, "She looks about sixty kilos."

She pushes down on the syringe and lets the medicine flow into the patient, taking ragged breaths as she breathes, "It's okay. You're okay. It's okay…" And she's not sure anymore whether or not she's really saying it to herself.

"Got it." She manages, and closes her eyes for a moment, trying to focus. _Stay standing. Stay standing._

She can feel herself starting to fade, the toxins affecting her system more and more, and suddenly she's dizzy and everything's spinning and she can't _breathe, _ and she runs, crashing into a cart and knocking over supplies, the automatic door opening as her lungs refuse to fill once again.

She collapses now, feeling strong arms wrapping around her and pulling her close, keeping her from hitting the tile. _Derek,_ she thinks, but then the other voice breaks the silence and she can feel another arm brushing past her and she knows.

"I've got you. I've got you. I've got you."

She still can't breathe and she can't see or think or speak, and everything is this huge blur around her and Mark is trying to keep her from collapsing.

This is wrong. This is the wrong man, the wrong arms to catch her, just…wrong. She peers into the OR, watching Derek work without even a glance back at her, and she knows, now, that it's over.

She lets Mark slide her down to the floor, holding her head up and grasping madly for the oxygen mask.

"Derek…" she whispers, and then her world turns black.


	5. The Moment

When a young Addison Montgomery asked her mother, "How do you know when you find your soul mate?" She had responded, eloquently, "There's one moment. One moment that, even if it's simple and ordinary, makes you realize that this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. If you can think about not having that person in your life and it's too hard to bear, then they are your soul mate."

Addison hadn't realized what her mother truly meant then, but that day- that moment- in New York during her second year of internship made her believe it and really know what her mother was talking about.

She was asleep when she got the call.

She grasped blindly for the phone, prepared to verbally attack whoever was calling her at three AM.

"Hello?" she answered, groggily opening her eyes.

"Is this Addison Montgomery?"

She jolted up, because this voice was unrecognizable yet she knew exactly who it was all at the same time. It was the tone.

"Yes." She took a deep breath.

"This is Officer Hanson from the Manhattan Police Department. There's been an accident."

"Derek. What happened to Derek?"

"Mr. Shepherd was in a car accident on Broadway and 42nd. There was a four-car pile up with nine pedestrians injured who were crossing the street. He was in one of the cars."

"Oh my God."

"He's being taken to Mount Sinai in an ambulance right now."

"I…I work there. I'll go there right now."

"Alright, Miss. Montgomery. Good luck."

"Thank you."

She hung up and jumped out of bed, her heart racing and incoherent thoughts running through her head. She pulled on the clothes she'd worn to work that day, sprawled across the chair, and grabbed her keys, running to the car. As she jumped into the driver's seat, she could see headlights coming down the street. The second she saw the car, she knew.

She jumped out and the car stopped, rolling down the passenger window.

"Get in," Mark said, panic on his face, "They called me too."

She got in quickly, grateful that she didn't have to focus on driving, and they nearly broke the speed limit as they raced to the hospital they normally spent their work hours at.

Mark dropped her off at the door and went to park, knowing she needed to get in fast. She passed the nurses' station in the ER and saw Patricia, one of the regular nurses, sitting at the desk.

"Doctor Montgomery. His ambulance is on the way."

She nodded, grateful that someone knew what was going on.

She went to the main door and collapsed into a chair, staring at the automatic door for when stretchers would start wheeling in. She felt a presence next to her and then turned to see Richard, her resident, sitting there.

"Addie." He said, and though it was only her name, it started the flood of emotions that she'd been trying to hold back since the call. She started crying, and Richard placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"He's going to be fine, Addie, I'm sure. He's Derek. He's a fighter, you know that."

She nodded, although she couldn't believe him.

A stretcher finally rolled in. She jumped, looking over to it, but the figure was that of a small girl, blonde, who looked about seven years old. She was surrounded by paramedics as they wheeled her down the hall, a frantic woman trailing behind.

"Mrs. Sullivan, you need to wait here, alright? We'll come and get you as soon as we can fully evaluate her condition."

The woman nodded and walked over to the waiting area, where she sat across from Addison. She smiled at the woman, the silent bond of horror and worry between them.

"She ran ahead of us." The woman said, looking at Addison with tears in her eyes. "We were leaving the theater, and she was so excited…she ran ahead and the first car hit her. That's what caused the pile-up."

Addison nodded gravely. "She's your daughter?"

The woman nodded back, smiling slightly. "My daughter and my life. Are you here for someone in the accident?"

"My fiancé. He's…he's not here yet. Still on the way."

There was a silence.

"I really need to talk to the chief about getting the damn ambulances here faster…" She muttered, then noticed the woman's confused look. "I work here," Addison said, "A surgical intern."

"Oh, okay."

Then, Richard took Addison's hand.

"He's here."

Addison jumped from her seat, glancing back at the woman.

"Good luck!"

"You too."

Addison ran towards the stretcher, recognizing the paramedic as one of her friends from medical school who was at Mount Sinai a lot with patients.

"Addison." He said, looking at her sympathetically as he rolled the stretcher.

"Randy, what's wrong with him? How bad is it?"

"He lost consciousness on the way here and he has some injuries from the impact, but right now we just don't know."

Something inside Addison burned. She'd told patients that same thing so many times, but now, it seemed so…so scary. These people were doctors and they just _didn't know_?

She matched Randy's pace next to the stretcher then, looking down at Derek. His forehead was bleeding, and his eyes were shut as if he were asleep.

"Derek? If you can hear me, please wake up. Please."

She felt Richard behind her now, pulling her back.

"Let them go, Addie. Let them take care of him."

Derek was suddenly taken behind a drawn yellow curtain, and Addison hung her head limply, feeling useless.

XXXXXX

About an hour later, as she sat in the waiting room, she still didn't have an answer. She started wandering, figuring that maybe if she didn't just _sit there_, time would move faster and she'd get to Derek.

As she walked down the hall, one room caught her eye. The little girl from before was lying in a hospital bed, hooked to machines as she remained unconscious.

Addison walked in and looked at the chart, seeing the girl's name.

"Abby," she said, looking at the little girl, "you don't know me and I don't know you, but I know that you must be a very special girl. Your mom…she loves you, and you need to get through this, okay? You need to wake up for her. You're still young. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you're a good person, I can tell. You didn't deserve this. Derek, my fiancé, he's a good person, too. And he didn't deserve this either. So you need to wake up, Abby. Because if you can't…there's no hope for him. Please."

"Addison?"

A voice stopped her.

"Randy?"

"You can see him now."

She followed him, her heart pounding, and he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before letting her go inside.

Derek was propped up in the bed, his forehead bandaged and his cuts taken care of. He was still unconscious, looking peaceful, as he lay there silently.

She took a tentative step forward, standing next to him and taking his bruised hand in hers.

"Derek," she started, tears already starting to fill her eyes, "Please wake up. For me, sweetheart, please. You have to get through this. You promised me, you promised that we'd be together forever, that you'd never leave me. You promised…"

She was sobbing now, collapsing onto the bed and into his limp and injured arms, and the fear she'd been feeling all night overcame her.

"Please, Derek, please. You need to wake up. I need you, Derek, I need you forever because I _love_ you, and I can't imagine my life without you. I need you. Please…you're…" A wave a realization came over her.

This was it.

This was her moment.

"You're my soul mate."

She sobbed into him, praying that it wasn't too late, that she'd have her chance to be his soul mate, forever.

A minute later, she felt arms circling her.

"Addie?"

She lifted her head, looking right into his eyes.

"Derek!" She cried harder now, knowing that he was there, really.

"I got in an accident…" he said, stating the obvious.

"I know."

"I wasn't paying attention. I just wanted to get home to you, and I didn't even see the other car before it hit that little girl." _Abby._ "I'm so sorry, Add…"

"It's okay," she said, pulling him to her, "It's okay because you're alive and you're here and…God, I love you. I was so scared that you might…"

She didn't finish, for fear of it actually happening.

"I'm fine, Addie, calm down. I'm fine. We're going to be okay. I'll never leave you, Addison, you have to believe that. I promise."

And she believed him.

Now, sitting in her empty hotel room in Seattle, she opened the newspaper and cried, because this was it. This was the moment that she knew, officially, that Derek had broken the promise he'd made to her. She'd told that little girl that if she could just make it through, then so could Derek and he would be with her forever. But now, it was over.

_Obituaries_

_Abigail Rose Sullivan…_

A/N: So, I wanted to make the ending fluffy, but I didn't. I killed the girl, and, symbolically, Addison and Derek's relationship. That was _not_ what I wanted to do. Stupid angsty characters and their deciding to take over my mind. I'll write some fluff later to make up for it.


	6. Alone

From the time she was seventeen, Addison Montgomery had always had a man in her life. She was never dependent on them as some would think she would be, but they were always there, and they always loved her- but sometimes not in the right way.

Her first boyfriend in the summer after sophomore year was Johnny MacAfee, the only male flute player in her high school band. He had made the trek from one twenty yard line to the other in the burning heat of the summer and faced the wrath of their band director to ask her, in the middle of band camp, if she would go out with him. She figured that even though he was the complete geekiest boy in her grade, she couldn't judge considering that she had braces and glasses and actually practiced her instrument.

After her band camp affair ended (which, coincidentally, was when other boys at their school started to notice her in some way, shape or form) she dated Chris Lewis, a varsity soccer player and who sat next to her in her English III class. They had been together until the end of senior year, but then she found out that he was planning on asking her to forget her dreams of medical school and selfishly take her to the city's community college with him, and that was the end of their relationship.

She went to prom with Skippy Gold, a member of the chess club and the cousin of Johnny MacAfee from her junior year. She spent the night talking about Star Wars and dreaded the moment he would ask her to dance.

Throughout college, she dated a number of men that she'd liked but never loved. By this point, she had discovered the wonders of contacts, hair styles, and high heeled shoes, and suddenly men flocked to her. None of her college relationships were ever serious enough to consider real.

When she started medical school, the first man she met was Mark. Mark, being Mark, hit on her immediately, and when she threatened to cut off his reproductive organs with her heels, he promptly settled for friendship and introduced her to Derek.

The first month she and Derek were dating, she felt compelled to be someone she wasn't to impress him. Make up, hair products, and clothes helped her image, and she was quite pleased with her ability to hide her real self until one day, he came home early and saw her sitting there in her flannel pajamas, frizzy, tangled hair, and brown cat-eye reading glasses.

He'd walked in, sat next to her on the couch, and fingered her glasses, and said, smiling, "You know what, Ads? I love you even more like this."

From that moment on, she knew what love really meant, and when she married Derek, she knew she'd never be alone again.

Of course, that backfired, and now as she sat in her Seattle hotel room with her reading glasses on looking in the mirror, she sighed.

"I wasn't enough."

She said to herself, and for a second, albeit a brief one, wished that she'd really given Johnny MacAfee a chance.


	7. Stories

"A…marriage is a long story….It's a continuum with moments of drama, periods of stupefying boredom. Passages of tremendous hope. Passages of resignation. One can never tell the story of a marriage. There's no narrative that encompasses it…Who thought what when. Who had what dreams. At the very least, a marriage is two intersecting stories, one of which we will never know." -Nora, A Wedding in December by Anita Shreve.

There are two sides to every story.

That's what Addison's high school English teacher had told her in her sophomore year, and she'd sat there, contemplating it.

She never really understood it until she'd married Derek and their two stories became one.

One life. They were one person.

Maybe that was why their marriage had failed- maybe they were _too_ perfect for one another.

Maybe, maybe you needed that other story. That other half of you to make you complete.

Addison thought about this as she flew to Seattle after Derek that night, and when she did, she realized that the people at Seattle Grace Hospital only knew one story- Derek's. They probably didn't even know she existed.

But she walked through those doors anyway, despite all the strange faces that would soon come to hate her, and she kept walking.

Because, really, the other side of the story needed to be heard.

They weren't Derek and Addison anymore, as he'd said the night he left her.

They were no longer one story, but two, broken and desperate and alone.


	8. Hate

A/N: Don't worry, this is the last angsty ficlet for a while- I'm planning to go on Valentine's Day overload, so be expecting lots of Addek Valentine's fluff coming your way. This one's based on a random song by a band called Plain White Tees that I heard on the radio.

Addison sat at her computer, her reading glasses on, looking from a chart to the screen and back. She was working on a particularly tough case and was close to finding her answer, and once she finally felt ready to leave, a voice came from behind her.

"Good morning, Addison."

She turned, and seeing the familiar blue eyes, focused on the chart instead.

"Hello, Derek." She said coolly, flipping the pages and blatantly ignoring the fact that he still stood behind her.

He sighed. "Is this how it's going to be, Addison? We going to say good morning every day and never have a civil, friendly conversation?"

She whipped around, and for the first time he noticed the fire in her eyes.

"You wanted this, Derek. You were the one who decided you never wanted to see me again. You broke me and left me to pick up the pieces, so yes, Derek, this is how it has to be. I'm being professional."

"Professional or bitter?"

"You don't get to judge that. That's not your right. You decided to end our marriage, and I'm dealing with that. I'm moving on, or trying to. Now, I have work to do."

"Addison…" he paused, then sighed again. "Do you hate me?"

She took off her reading glasses and finally made eye contact with him.

"Hate is a strong word," she said, shutting the chart and walking towards the door, "But I really, really, _really_ don't like you."


	9. Believe

A/N: The first of many fluffy ficlets coming your way this week. Short, sweet, and random. Oh, George/Izzie is implied here, by the way, because this is before Callie comes into the picture.

Addison Shepherd _hated_ Valentine's Day.

She sat at her desk at Seattle Grace focusing solely on a chart when Izzie Stevens walked in, grinning, wearing a pink sweater. She was oozing Valentine's Day excitement, and Addison didn't think she could bear to watch. But somehow, the Godly forces had gathered together to ruin her life, and Izzie was her intern for the day.

It wasn't that she didn't like Izzie- although the intern had a few problems starting out, she showed great potential and often reminded Addison of a younger version of herself. That was one of the reasons she didn't want to work with her. Working with Izzie reminded Addison of who she used to be, and the bitter person she'd become.

She decided to push the thoughts aside and greeted Izzie with a smile when she walked into the NICU.

"Good morning, Doctor Stevens."

"Hi, Doctor Shepherd. What are we working on today?"

The intern's eyes were eager to find out, and Addison admired that she was always so bright and excited.

"Well, nothing yet. It's pretty slow today, which is a miracle. There's nothing really interesting going on, so I'd understand if you wanted to find a surgery to watch or something."

"Oh, maybe I will later, but I'm okay here for now."

"Okay then."

The pair sat down next to incubators, and Addison watched as Izzie reached a finger into it for the little boy to grab.

"Hey, little guy," she murmured, smiling, "Your chart says you're getting better. That's a pretty good Valentine's Day gift, huh?"

Addison smiled, despite the mention of the V-word, and she moved her chair next to Izzie's.

"So, Stevens, big plans for the evening?"

"Oh, just hanging out with George at the house."

"Oh…are you and O'Malley…" she trailed off.

"No! No, definitely not."

Addison was surprised that Izzie seemed disappointed, and a silence came over them.

"He's my best friend, you know? I'm a human wrecking ball, and if I ever said anything to him it would ruin our friendship."

Addison sighed. "I was in love with Derek for a year before I did anything about it. By the time I was ready to tell him, he was dating someone else and it was too late. They ended up breaking up a few months later and I finally told him, but those were months that we both agreed we wish we had back. Don't let it be too late, Stevens. Go for it."

Izzie turned to the older woman and smiled, pulling her hand out from the incubator.

"I'll be right back."

Izzie rushed off, and Addison smiled, then sighed.

"How did we get here?" she asked, looking down at the baby below her.

"We used to be so happy. This used to be our day, but now…Now he hasn't even acknowledged that it's Valentine's Day at all. It's useless."

XOXOXOXOXO

That evening, she was pulling on her coat and was getting ready to leave when a familiar voice called her name through the hallway.

"Addison!"

Derek jogged over to her, smiling, and kissed her on the cheek. She was shocked at the gesture but smiled back anyway.

"Sorry I didn't see you all day, I was in a long surgery. I'm glad I caught you before you left, because I made plans."

Addison was floored. He seemed almost…giddy, like he used to be. Before Mark, before they fell apart.

"Plans?"

He linked an arm through hers and led her to the parking lot, excitedly telling her where he planned on taking her.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

"Addie…I wanted to tell you something tonight."

Addison listened, looking at him across the table over the candle's glow.

"Remember when I took you to Italy for our honeymoon?"

"Yes. I got food poisoning, but it was still worth it."

"Well, I promised you something that night."

She nodded.

"I promised that I would always be here for you, that I'd always love you and take care of you."

She nodded again.

"I haven't kept my promise. I'm sorry, because I was so wrapped up in my work that I forgot that even though you're strong and independent and completely able, you need someone to count on too. And I need you, too. We need each other, Addie. And I'm sorry that I forgot that."

"I thought…" she started, taking a deep breath, "In New York, I thought that I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't enough for you. I thought I'd failed you, and I thought that you'd given up on me."

"Addison…" He reached across the table and took her hand. "If I didn't believe in you, we wouldn't have gotten this far."

He looked her in the eye and smiled. "If I didn't believe in you and all of the _ten thousand_ women you are…God, Addison, if I didn't think you could do _anything_ you ever wanted to…If I wasn't _certain_ that you'd come through somehow…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "The fact of the matter is…we wouldn't be here now."

"Derek…"

"No, Addison, let me finish. I would never want you to think that I had given up on you. I have _always _believed in you. Addison…"

He looked around, seeing that the restaurant was almost empty, and walked over to her, kneeling next to her chair and placing a comforting hand on her knee.

"If I didn't believe in you, I couldn't have stood before all of our friends and said _this_ is the life I choose. _This_," he said, motioning to her, "is the thing I can't bear to lose. If I didn't believe in you," he repeated again, standing and taking her hand, "I wouldn't have loved you at all."

XOXOXOXOXO

The next day, Addison walked into the NICU and found Izzie there, smiling as she sat on a chair.

"Good morning, doctor Shepherd!" she said, cheerily looking up.

"Hi, Stevens. Did you have a nice Valentine's Day?"

"I did. I really did."

She paused.

"Thank you…for convincing me to tell him. He said he felt the same way, and he got me flowers and everything…"

Addison smiled as the intern gushed, and then stopped. "How was your Valentine's Day?"

Addison considered making up a lie about how much she still hated the holiday, but decided against it and decided that instead, she'd accept the love for it that she'd lost.

"Perfect, Stevens," she said, picturing Derek, "Just perfect."

A/N: Yes, I borrowed some lyrics from The Last 5 Years. Go buy the soundtrack, now. Seriously.


	10. Perfect Timing

A/N: More V-day fluff.

"I hate this." Addison complained, sitting on a gurney in the hallway at Mount Sinai hospital. She was in her first year as a surgical intern, and she'd just worked a 16 hour shift. She had collapsed onto gurneys with three of her fellow interns- they had sent the two male interns, Derek and Mark, to get food for them from the cafeteria.

"Hate what?" Elizabeth Morgan was a smart, kind, hardworking person, and she had become close friends with Addison over their internship so far.

"Valentine's Day."

"Why?" Elizabeth shot up, her hair sticking out from the static. "It's the most romantic holiday of the year!"

"It's sickening." Addison said, pulling her glasses off and shutting her eyes. "It's a Hallmark holiday that wouldn't be a big deal if not for the fact that florists, candy stores, and card shops make tons of money on worthless gifts."

"Oh, seriously?" Sandra, the other intern, sat up. "You actually _have _a boyfriend, but you're the one complaining."

Addison rolled her eyes.

"What are you and Derek doing, anyway?" Elizabeth asked.

"I don't even know. He hasn't mentioned anything." She sat in silence then, averting her eyes from the two. Sandra and Elizabeth made eye contact and slowly began to understand.

"Is that was this is all about? Derek hasn't done anything yet?"

Addison nodded reluctantly.

"Addie, I'm sure he's planning something and he just wants to surprise you. Don't worry about it."

Addison began to reply, but Derek and Mark walked in then, carrying trays and Styrofoam cups.

XOXOXOXO

"Where are we going" Addison asked as she was led, blindfolded, out of the car and outside.

"You'll see."

"You know I'm not good at the whole 'patience' thing, Derek-" She was cut off when the blindfold was pulled off and she could see her surroundings. In front of them was a table and two chairs, with candles in the center, overlooking the lake.

"This is beautiful." She breathed, and he led her over to the table.

After they'd eaten the dinner Derek had made, he smiled at her and reached into his pocket, and suddenly, she knew.

"Derek…"

He walked over to her and went down on one knee in front of her.

"Addison, I've realized something these past two years. You know I love you, but…I realized that it's more than that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you and grow old with you and have kids and a dog and a minivan. I want the whole package, Addie."

She felt a smile overcome her, and she looked down at him.

"I…I want to be your wife, Derek. I want to have your child, I want…I want to die knowing I had a long, full life, in your arms."

"Is that a yes?" he asked, his eyes sparkling.

Addison swore she'd never be one of those emotional, lovesick women, but she felt it happening as she teared up.

"Yes."

He slipped the ring on her finger then looked at his watch, then back at her, grinning.

"Perfect timing."

"Why?"

"It's exactly one minute after midnight. I know you wouldn't want a corny Valentine's Day proposal, so we were officially engaged on February _fifteenth._"

She smiled back at him and he lifted himself off the ground to her, pulling her lips to his.

Maybe she did like Valentine's Day, after all.

A/N: Yes, a line or two more from The Last 5 Years. Again, go buy the soundtrack.


	11. Save Me

A/N: Okay, I kind of hate Shonda at the moment. I'm angry in general because the episode was kind of lame, plus I waited an entire 2 weeks for an addek scene that lasted about a minute. And then the ended just made me want to throw things, with the "He never felt that way about me" thing, so to make myself able to sleep, I decided to write it my way. Here we go.

"You think she went under the water on purpose?" Addison asked, studying Derek's eyes for some sign that he was thinking clearly.

He simply nodded, hanging his head and hiding his face from her. It was then, Addison saw, that he began to cry, and suddenly she didn't care about what had happened to them the past year, she just knew that this was Derek and he needed her. She lifted her hands to his face, bringing him to look at her.

"No. You do not get to freak out, you do not get to fall apart. Not when there's still a chance. And there is. A chance."

He nodded, and she took his hand in hers.

"She's going to get through this. She's strong and she has a reason to stay alive. We might have had our differences, but I know that Meredith can do this. She will survive for you."

He nodded again.

"Okay?"

"Okay." He whispered, and her pager went off.

"I'll be back," she said, and he stopped her.

"Promise?" He asked, his voice hoarse.

She saw then that he was like a child, asking if their mom would really come back to get them from their first day of kindergarten. This wasn't the first time she'd seen Derek this vulnerable, but it was one of the hardest times to watch.

"I promise." She said, before running into Meredith's room.

XXXXXX

"What happened?" she demanded, letting the door slam behind her.

Richard was seated on a chair at the wall, his head in his hands, and Bailey was doing compressions.

"I couldn't let him keep doing the compressions," Bailey said as Addison moved towards them, "He would tire out. I need your help."

Bailey moved to the side and let Addison take over, for she had been tiring as well. Addison looked at the screen where Meredith had flat lined, putting all of her energy and strength into making her heart beat just once.

"Come on," she whispered, surprised at her own voice, breaking with the tears gathering in her throat. "Meredith, don't do this. You have to fight. Come on. You _need_ to do this, Meredith. You can't do this to him. You can't leave him like this. He…he needs you, and you can fight this! You can survive!"

Her own tears started falling, and both Bailey and Richard watched as Addison, someone whose heart had been broken and who had given up her husband for this woman, was in hysterics, praying for her to fight.

"He needs to be happy." Addison said, her voice getting softer. "Please, Meredith. Please don't die on him."

It was then, at the falling action of Addison's meltdown, that the monitor beeped.

Meredith's heart was beating.

XXXXXX

About ten minutes later, after Bailey had instructed Addison to go take care of herself and Derek, after she'd told her that they had it under control from there, that Meredith was going to survive, she finally walked out of the room and into the hallway.

She didn't have a chance to take a step because all of a sudden, there were arms wrapped around her, holding tightly, pushing her against the door. She felt the tears falling onto her shoulder and the arms tightening, as if they never wanted to let her go, and then she heard him speak.

"Thank you," he said through tears, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

She managed to pull away to look at him, and she wiped away her own tears.

"Derek, it's okay, she's fine."

"I know," he said, moving his arms to hold her hands in his, "And it's because of you. You told her to fight. You could have walked away and let her die, but you told her to fight. You…you saved her. You saved me."

"I…" he pulled her into a hug again, and as he kissed her cheek, spun her around and ran into Meredith's room, she felt herself smiling, pushing the question of, "if it were me, would he care?" to the back of her mind, because finally, he would be happy.

And it was all because of her.

A/N: Review, no matter how random that was.


	12. If I Told You Now

A/N: So, Grey's is making me mad. And there's no new episode tonight. So I'm writing a ficlet instead.

She'd tried to tell him. Really, she had.

But every time, when she saw his smile and his eyes that had once made her heart melt, she couldn't get the words to come out. She wondered, a lot, if he'd actually care. Would he be sad, or angry, or, worst of all, indifferent towards it all?

Mark would probably care. She had told him, and she'd told Alex Karev and Miranda and Callie and Richard and Izzie and George and even a few of the scrub nurses. Hell, she'd even told Meredith, who vowed not to tell Derek until Addison could herself.

And now, as she sat in the hospital lobby with her coat and purse, staring out the window at the Seattle sky, raining like it had when she'd first come out here, to get Derek back.

She laughed.

This was pathetic. It was three words, really. Why couldn't she say three words? It was her last chance, she knew. In an hour he'd find out anyway, and she'd rather tell him herself. So she waited.

When he walked through the lobby, she stopped him.

"Derek, wait a minute."

"Oh, hi." He looked tired, but he smiled his classic McDreamy smile anyway.

"Derek…I need to tell you something before you hear it through the hospital grapevine."

"Okay…" He looked at her quizzically, and she sighed, hoisting her purse over her shoulder.

"I…" she looked into his eyes, and his smile faded, noticing the pain that hers had inside them.

"I'm leaving Seattle."

With that, she walked out the door, leaving him standing there, the rain coming down on her and drenching her.

"No…" he whispered, his eyes fixated on her retreating form as it moved, slowly, towards the car and out of his life.

A/N: I didn't want to be depressing, I swear. I wanted to write fluff. Stupid characters taking over my brain.


	13. Speechless

A/N: So I was watching my friend's sisters with her one night, and we were forced to watch Hannah Montana. Basically, I mocked it the entire time because it's so weird and random, but whatever. There was one part that was actually interesting, because I discovered a song that I wanted to use for a ficlet. So just forget that it's from a Disney Channel children's show, okay?

_If we were a movie_

_You'd be the right guy_

_And I'd be the best friend_

_That you'd fall in love with_

_In the end_

_We'd be laughing_

_Watching the sunset_

_Fade to black,_

_Show the names,_

_Play the happy song…_

"If this is Mark, I am _not_ picking you up from whatever bar you went to, if this is Liz, I'll talk to you tomorrow but not now because you'll be fine for another hour, and if this is anyone else, why the _hell _are you calling me at four AM?"

"It's Derek."

"Oh. What do you want at four AM?"

"I have a problem."

"At four AM?"

"_Addie._ Focus, please."

"Fine." She sighed, sitting up in her bed and putting on her glasses.

"You know Carole, that intern under Doctor Collins?"

"Yeah, sure. What about her?" Addison vaguely put a face to the name, picturing the petite girl with mousy blonde hair.

"She asked me to dinner today, for tomorrow night. Well, I guess by now she asked me yesterday, for tonight."

"So?"

"So should I go?"

"You're asking me why?"

"Because you're my best friend."

"Right. But Derek, I don't have a ton of valuable insight for you at four in the morning, when I went to sleep two hours ago."

"Just tell me what you think, and I'll let you sleep."

"Fine. I…" She thought about it. Derek and Carole, sitting in some restaurant, then walking around the hospital together, being all couple-y and happy, and it horrified her, but she wanted Derek to be happy. "I…I think you should go. Carole's nice, she…asked you, so you should go. It's the right thing to do."

"Okay. Thanks, Addie. Do you want a ride to work?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I'll see you in an hour."

"Bye."

XXXXXXXX

When she walked into the hospital an hour and a half later, she walked past the nurses' station, ready to report to her resident. Standing there was Carole, looking over a chart.

"Good morning, Addison!" She smiled cheerily, her voice seeming much more high pitched and annoying than it had yesterday.

"Hi, Carole." She said curtly, throwing a snide glare in her direction before continuing down the hall.

_Why did I do that? She didn't do anything to me…_

She shook off what she knew was the reason and kept going.

_There are more important things to worry about…_

XXXXXXXX

"Hey! Where are we going- Derek! Why are we in a closet?"

"Because you're a psycho!"

"What?"

"You attacked my girlfriend today."

"I didn't attack her-"

"Yes, you did! You started screaming at her in the hallway for no reason!"

"I was screaming at her because she gave a patient false hope. She said that they would definitely pull through a surgery when we both know there's a chance that they could die…"

"And that's what a resident is for, Addison. Interns can't yell at other interns like that. We both know that's not the only reason you yelled at her. _Why_ do you hate her?"

"Because she's so damn _cheerful!_ There are There are dying people all over the place! How is she always so _happy_?"

He just stared at her for a minute, and she glared back until a smile slowly crept over his face and he was outright laughing at her.

"This is _not_ funny! She's insane!"

"No, you kind of are, right about now." He said, through his laughter.

A second later, her laughs started as well, and they were both collapsed on the floor, splayed out as they recovered and found air to breathe.

Derek turned to look at her next to him.

"I broke up with Carole yesterday."

"You _what_?" she jerked up, glaring venomously at him.

"I broke up with her before this even happened. I just wanted to see what you would do when I asked you why you freaked out on her."

"I can't _believe_ you! You are so… obnoxious, annoying, conniving, arrogant, and…I'm running out of adjectives at the moment, but whatever else there is, you are."

"How about dreamy?"

"No. You are definitely the most _un_-dreamy person in the entire state of New York."

"You think that now."

"Shut up."

They fell back on the floor, and he looked at her again.

"But seriously, why did you hate her?"

Addison paused, looking back at him, and thought, _this is it. If I'm going to do this, I might as well be honest._

"Because she had you."

"She never had me, Addie."

"But you-"

"I was never committed, and that's what I told her. I told her that I couldn't lie to her anymore."

"What?"

"I've belonged to you since the day we met."

And then, for the first time in her life, Addison was speechless.


	14. Enough

A/N: Set in season two, after Derek chooses Addison. This is sort of AU, because I'm assuming they were happier after this than they really were in season 2.

Addison and Derek sat at the tiny table in the kitchen of the trailer, the sound of clinking forks against plates the only sound in the room. Addison stood sharply, taking her plate and Derek's to the sink and starting the water. He stayed at the table, watching her, and sighed.

Suddenly, she whipped around, fire in her eyes. "Is this how it's going to be, Derek?"

"What?" He said tiredly, resting his head on his hand.

"Are we going to sit here, day after day, in total silence? Because if that's the case, I'm not willing to make the move here for you."

"Addison…"

"Don't 'Addison' me. You're putting me through _hell_, Derek."

"I haven't-"

"Don't act like you're innocent, Derek. I see you look at her in the halls, like you wish you'd never met me. Why should I give anything up for you now?"

He saw for the first time the tears in her eyes that she wouldn't shed-yet-and he felt like he was back in the Brownstone in New York. The fights they'd had were always the same- she'd call him out on something, he'd act like it never happened, she'd cry and then storm off, leaving him there feeling like an idiot.

"Addie, I chose you. Why is this still a problem?"

"Because I was never enough for you."

"What?" He stood now, walking towards where she stood at the sink.

"I was never enough. I'm not enough. I'm giving up everything for you, and you still can't keep yourself away from her. I'm your _wife_, Derek. Why am I not enough for you? What does she have that I don't?"

She started crying now, just as he'd predicted, and he stood there feeling like an idiot, just as he'd predicted.

"Meredith is…Meredith was easy, and that's why I went after her. But us…we have so much history, and I didn't think we could work through it. But I don't want this to be how we end, Addie. We can…we can work through this." He called after her, running a hand through his hair. "And you have _always_ been enough. You're more than enough."

He paused, and there was silence from the other room. He sighed, sitting back down at the table.

A minute later, she came back in, took the dish towel from the counter, and threw it at him.

"I called the chief in New York." She said, starting the sink again. "I just gave up my practice."

He looked at her and stood. He walked up to the sink and placed a hand on hers, stopping the angry motion of the sponge on the plate.

"Addie, you're mad at me. Don't take it out on the cookware." He grinned slightly, hoping to make her smile, but she only sighed, rinsing the plate.

"Addie…I'm sorry." He said honestly for the first time since she'd come to Seattle.

"I just gave up everything for you…" she said, thrusting the plate at him, "So you'd better be. Now help me dry."

He moved the dishtowel around the plate, and started, suddenly and uncontrollably, laughing.

"What?" She said, glaring at him. "Why are you laughing?"

He smiled, moving a hand to the end of one of her crimson curls, wiping soap bubbles off of her hair.

"Because you're adorable when you're angry."

"Oh, seriously? This is not funny, Derek. Be serious for once."

"Addie, look at yourself."

She looked down and saw that, in her angry cleaning process, she had gotten soap all over herself and water all over Derek.

She bit her lip and focused on the next plate, trying not to give in. A minute later, she was outright laughing with him, and a second after that, Derek slipped and tumbled to the kitchen floor, causing another fit of laughter out of both of them.

"Help me up." He said, reaching for her hand, then pulling down to crash next to him.

"That was not nice." She said, the laughter finally subsiding. She sighed, letting his hand find hers.

"How do we always end up like this?"

"What? On the floor?"

"No, how do we have these big fights and then make up for them all the time? There has to be something seriously wrong with us."

"Maybe we're just special."

There was silence for a moment as they lay there on the floor, comfortable silence surrounding them.

"I love you. You know that, right?"

"I don't know if you mean it anymore."

"There were times when I didn't, I'll admit it. At least, when I wish I didn't. But you're moving to Seattle for me."

"I am."

"And I do love you Addie. You have to believe me if this is going to work."

She sighed, then nodded. "Okay."

"We should probably get off the floor."

"Probably."

Addison moved first, standing to finish the dishes. She handed one to Derek, and as he went to dry it, he noticed the green liquid soap on the dish.

_I love you, too._

He looked at Addison, who held the bottle of dish soap and smiled, wrapping her into his arms.

She was definitely more than enough.

_But it's not too late,_

_it's not too late_

_for love_

A/N: So it ended fluffy. Finally. Lyrics are from Norah Jones' "Not Too Late". Review, please!


	15. Dye

A/N: This is probably the most "out there" drabble that will be in this collection, because it's not focused on Addek. Or Addison, really. It's more about Mark. Because Mark is a jerk, and I want to show a time when he's not a jerk. This is the other side of Mark. It's about Addek too, but really not as much. So basically Mark's being thoughtful for once.

"Help me."

"Addison, this is ridiculous."

"I'm becoming a new person. Everyone needs a change, right? Now help me."

He sighed, taking the box of blonde hair dye from her and opening the lid.

"You realize that this is a crazy idea, right?"

"It is not."

"You're going to regret it."

"No, I'm not. New person, remember?"

"This is about Derek, isn't it? Redhead Addison is Derek's Addison?"

In response, he got a venomous glare.

"Right. _Not_ mentioning the D-word. Got it."

She turned around on the chair, her back to him and her hair in the sink, and he started to pour the dye over her wet hair.

"I cannot believe I'm doing this." He mumbled, and an hour later, Addison was a blonde.

The next evening, Mark walked into the house to find Addison sitting in the living room, staring blankly at a picture in a frame. Mark knew the picture- it had sat on his fireplace to haunt him forever, put he was the best friend who would leave it on display anyway.

It was Addison and Derek's wedding picture.

"I miss him." She admitted.

He pulled out a bag from the drug store he'd stopped at on the way home and tossed it at her.

"I know."

She looked at him as he walked into the kitchen and turned on the sink, and then reached into the bag.

A box of red hair dye.


	16. Sunrise

_Stay with me, lay with me  
Lean on me, call on me  
Run with me, dream with me  
Pray with me, fall on me  
Whenever you need me  
I'll be by your side  
As sure as the sun's gonna rise_

_"Sun's Gonna Rise" by Shannon Curfman_

There's something intriguing about being awake at dawn- the feeling that the entire world is still sleeping, the sound of cars on the roads silenced and the crimson of the rising sun enveloping the sky. And sitting on her porch in a bathrobe with a cup of coffee in hand, Addison Montgomery is enjoying the early morning hour of the first Saturday morning of the summer. This is her time to be alone, with only the dim red light of the sun and the sound of crickets in the forest preserve as her company, she could think. But there's a low rumble and a Range Rover becomes a vision at the end of her driveway, and suddenly it doesn't seem so tranquil anymore.

Addison stands and instinctively pulls her robe tighter around her waist, and soon the car is parked and he's getting out of his car to move towards her porch.

Sounding more confident that she feels, she can hear her own voice breaking the silence between them. "What are you doing here?"

He doesn't answer her, but instead comes up beside her on the porch and sits down on the step, his head in his hands. After a moment, and once she is seated next to him on the step, he tilts his head to connect his eyes with hers.

"Do you remember the time at my parent's house when I introduced you to my family, and we got up at dawn to watch the sunrise?"

She nods, solemnly. "And then you proposed."

"And then I proposed."

There is a blank silence between them, and he sighed.

"And I thought, then, this is how I'm going to spend the rest of my life. With this wonderful, beautiful, talented woman that I love more than life itself, and we're going to live in a house with a yard and have kids and a dog a minivan and…" he trailed off, casting his eyes away, "we'd have everything."

She sits in silence still, wondering what brought this on and why they had come to this point, when he speaks again.

"Look at us, Addie. You're sitting here alone, and I was with an intern twenty years younger than me that thought I was God. I'm not God, Addie, and I'm not McDreamy. At least, I was. I want to be Derek again, Addison. I don't want to be the dreamy brain surgeon that's this egotistical monster. I want to be Derek, who wakes up to watch the sunrise with the woman he loves and takes the time to laugh and doesn't fall for interns!"

He's clearly frustrated, and she sighs.

"I want him back, too."

Another blank silence.

"I broke up with Meredith." He states, simply and dryly. "A week ago."

She nods. "I'm moving to LA." She replies, equally as simple. "In three days."

Neither seem to know what to do, and suddenly Addison can feel his hand in hers.

"Please, don't go."

"What choice do I have? There's nothing left for me here, Derek."

"You have me."

"I lost you the night you left New York. You haven't been Derek in two years."

"But I want to be Derek. I want to be that guy, I want to be _me_, for God's sake!" He turns to her, "I want to be your Derek. The one you fell in love with."

"I don't know how to trust you anymore, Derek, and there's a position for me in LA, starting Monday."

"Then I'll go with you." He says, a hint of pleading in his voice, "I'll follow you all over the world if I have to, because I'm not letting you go again."

She stares at him, blankly, as the sun starts to fully rise and wake up the world. The redness is gone, and glimmers of bright, yellow sunlight pour over the yard.

"But you're supposed to be chief."

"No…" he shook his head, "I was selfish, all this time, I wanted it all. But when you're in that situation, when you have to choose, you choose the one you love. I didn't understand that back then, but I know what I want. Addie, I'd give everything up for you to let me back in."

She knows this is wrong and she knows that she should hate him for doing this to her, but it seems that he's her weakness- she can't let him go, no matter how hard she tries.

"You know, there's a neurosurgeon position at the hospital in LA…"

Simply, she smiles and brings her lips to his.

"I'll get another plane ticket." She mumbles, and he smiles against her lips.

"I'll tell Richard the chief position is no longer in my interest."

She breaks away and stands, walking towards the door.

"Get in the car," she says, throwing him a smirk as she goes inside to change, "You're taking me to breakfast."

He smiles and watches the door shut as he walks to his car to wait.

He's himself again, and he can finally breathe.


	17. The Little Things

A/N: A little scene that's in the season two we all wish existed.

For Addison Montgomery, the biggest obstacle of her teenage years was making it through from 7:45 AM to 3 PM, Monday through Friday, before she could go to the sanctuary of her suburban home. It's not like that was much better- her mother had died when she was seven, and her father knew absolutely nothing about teenage girls and could never be turned to in times of social crisis, but it was better than being at school. Her school day was made up of a simple routine- walk through the hallways with her face down so she couldn't see the people making fun of her, spend lunch on the stairwell outside the science wing or in the library, alone, and watch the couples in the hallways, accepting the fact that no one, not even the boy in the back of her science glass that had chronic acne and an asthmatic cough, would ever find her even remotely attractive.

Now, 22 years later, she walked down the halls with people staring after her, leaving them mesmerized, she had been asked to lunch by almost every man in the hospital (she always turned them down), and she had become Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, despite her teenage belief that she'd end up alone with fifty cats.

But still, though she'd gotten past her awkward, glasses-braces-and-a-lisp phase, she still felt isolated the way getting picked last in gym class felt- sitting alone in the dark in the trailer, waiting for her husband to come home.

When Derek walked into the trailer a little after eleven, she was prepared to yell at him but stopped herself- it was no use, it wasn't like anything she said went through to him, anyway.

His face was sullen, almost sad, as he locked the door behind him and dropped his car keys and jacket on the table. He turned to her, curled up on the edge of the couch, and said, "It's freezing in here. Aren't you cold?"

She nodded. Heat was not one of the benefits of Derek's airstream, and they shivered through the nights on opposite sides of their bed.

She watched as he moved to the closet and pulled out a bundle that she recognized- a warm, soft mahogany fleece blanket that they had received as a present for their first anniversary from one of Derek's sisters, and had kept on their bed in New York for cold winter nights. She hadn't known he'd kept it- she figured he must have burned it, threw it into a lake, gave it away.

He came over to the couch and she reached out, prepared to take the blanket from him, but instead he sat down next to her and draped it over them both, wrapping his arm around her shoulders to pull her to him. She was about to question this sudden gesture of caring when he spoke, staring at the wall in front of them.

"I had this case today," he said, settling himself comfortably next to her, "A guy who was having a fight with his wife at home during dinner when she suddenly started seizing. Turns out she had an undiagnosed brain tumor, and when she fell during the seizure, she hit her head on the counter and cracked open her skull and bled to death."

Addison cringed, even though she'd seen worse.

"This guy, he…he stopped me in the waiting room on my way out, and he said, 'the last thing I said to my wife was that if she wasn't happy with what I did around the house, she didn't have to stay there. I'm never going to get to take that back.' And then he said, 'Go home to your wife, Doctor Shepherd,'" he paused, looking into her eyes, "…Because I'll never get to.'"

She opened her mouth but realized she didn't know what to say, until he spoke again.

"I'm sorry that that's what it took, but it made me realize how lucky I am," he said, turning himself to face her, "That I get to come home to you every night, to have you be here, to be married to an incredible woman when so many other people will never get that chance. How lucky I am…" He paused, "To be in love with you."

This floored her, and she was still in shock as he pulled her fully into his arms, holding onto her as if he never wanted to let go.

"It's okay," she managed, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm so sorry." He said, muffled into her hair, and pulled back to kiss her.

"It's okay," she repeated, "We're going to get through this. We're going to be okay."

And she believed it, because the way he was holding her and the way they fit so perfectly together made her believe anything.

"I never want to lose you." He whispered, after they'd sat there for a moment.

"You won't," she said, bringing her hand up to touch his face, "Ever. I'm here forever."

Derek may do stupid things sometimes, Addison knew, and they both would make mistakes, but the little things, like tonight, were what made Addison believe that they would make it. Those little moments that made you believe that anything, no matter how big an obstacle, could be worked out.


	18. Blame

Really, it's not surprising- whenever something goes wrong, people instinctively start figuring out who they can blame. Which says something about the human condition, really, but that's another argument that Addison just doesn't have it in her to fight, and sitting here in the kitchen of the trailer, she wonders what really happened.

"Addie," he calls, pulling her out of her reverie, "Are you okay? You were staring at the wall."

"Oh, I'm fine." She lies, because that's all they've been doing these days.

They sit there in silence, like always, until she looks up at him.

"Derek, do you…do you ever wonder when we started falling apart?"

"Sometimes," he admits, averting his eyes to the table.

"I just…" she knows this will start a fight, she knows he's going to get defensive and just so Derek-like, but this is an argument she's willing to have. "I feel like you think that it's all my fault."

"You slept with my best friend." He says, tiredly, because he's said it so many times that he doesn't have the energy to yell.

"I know that what I did was stupid, but that was _not_ the downfall of our marriage and you can't say you didn't see it coming."

"See it coming? How _could_ I?"

"Oh, that's right, you couldn't, because you were too busy to even notice I was alive, let alone notice that you pushed me into your best friend's arms!"

Now he shows actual anger, and it's the first emotion she's seen from him in months.

"I did _not_ lead you to Mark! That was all you. You and Mark, you did this to me."

"We _did this to you_, Derek? I just _happened to you_? If you're so unhappy, then why are we even here? Why are you pretending to try when I'm just something you have to deal with? I can take care of myself, Derek, I don't need you." The truth is, she needs him now more than ever, but it sounds confidant enough out loud that she can make him believe her.

"Addison…I can't do this right now."

"Then _when_, Derek? When it's too late? When we're sitting here in this miserable trailer wondering why the _hell_ we bothered?"

She's not thinking, but subconsciously she feels herself grabbing a coat and her purse and walking out into the rain, and she gets in her car and just drives, away as far as she can think to go, until she's pulled over on the side of the road in the middle of _nowhere_, sobbing onto the steering wheel.

XXXXXX

He's staring at the ceiling.

That's all he can think to do, because his mind is still reeling from the fight and Addison storming out the door is still a big blur in his head.

And that one statement, those five words, keep ringing over and over again like an alarm clock at five o clock in the morning- _you pushed me to Mark_.

He can tell her all he wants that he didn't, that it was all them, but inside he wonders if on some cosmic level, she's right. Suddenly memories are rushing through his mind from the floodgates, and he can remember everything he did that makes Addison completely and utterly right.

"_Derek, it's me. Are you coming home soon? We have to leave in an hour for that pediatrics benefit."_

"_Oh, Addie, I have to do a craniotomy. It's an emergency, so I don't think I'll make it."_

"_Oh, that's…that's fine."_

"_Here, I'll tell Mark to come pick you up in an hour. He can take you."_

…

"_What are you still doing here, Derek?"_

"_Oh, I've got something to finish up here. One of my patients needs to be discharged, and I've got loads of paperwork to do."_

"_Addie just called me to see where you were. She's waiting for you, man. She made dinner and everything…"_

"_Oh, I totally forgot. I got her flowers, they're on my desk with the anniversary card. Could you bring them over and tell her sorry for me?"_

…

"_Hello?"_

"_Derek?"_

"_Addie, what's up?"_

"_I just wanted to see how you were. You haven't been home…"_

"_Oh, I had a late surgery and I had to be back here at five anyway, so I just slept here."_

"_Oh. Well, okay. When are you coming home?"_

"_I don't know, maybe I'll be back for dinner."_

"_Okay, that's great."_

"_Wait, you know what? I was supposed to oversee a brain mapping procedure tonight, I forgot. I'll ask Mark to bring you some Chinese food on his way home."_

"_Are you sure you don't want us to just wait up for you?"_

"_No, it's fine. You two hang out, I'll be back in the morning."_

"_Okay, I…I guess that's fine. I love you."_

"_Yeah, love you too, I've got to go…"_

He shot up from his position on the couch and ran a hand through his hair, sighing.

"This was all my fault."

Before he realized what he was doing, he was in the car, driving anywhere, down the rain covered expressway looking for Addison.

XXXXXX

He spotted her car pulled over ten minutes later, and as he got out and went up to the window, rain soaking through him, he could see her, staring blindly ahead, eyes bloodshot.

"Addie, you've been crying." He stated when she rolled the window down.

When she didn't reply, he kept talking. "I realized something, after you left. You…you were so right, Addie. All those nights I sent Mark to you because I was too busy, the nights you'd call to see what I was doing and I was too distracted to talk to you and sent Mark over instead…I drove him to you. This is my fault."

She stayed silent.

"Can I at least get in the car? It's freezing out here."

He moved around and sat in the passenger seat and, slowly, took her hand in his.

"I'm sorry." He said, pulling her hand over to him, "I'm so, so, sorry."

They weren't fixed- it would take time- but they would get there.

Because sometimes, after life works its way out, the only person left to blame is yourself.


	19. Luck

A/N: More intern Addie/Derek/Mark!

Luck.

A four letter word that said so much- it could give you everything or nothing at all, and getting it meant taking a chance.

For Addison, today was a lucky kind of day. She'd gone through a whole day without her resident calling her out on a mistake, and she'd been assigned interesting cases that kept her from being sent to the pit to do sutures, which had been Mark's task of the day. Now, she was in the locker room getting ready to leave when Mark came in, leaning himself against the wall tile.

"Long day?"

"Extremely. I've never used a suture needle that many times in the entirety of med school."

"I got to do an emergency C-section and deliver twins." She gloated, throwing a smirk in his direction.

He glared. "You suck."

"Thank you. That's nice, Mark. How kind of you."

"Your boyfriend told me to find you. He wants to meet you in the lobby in ten minutes, if you're ready. I told him I'd find you and then sleep, but I think I might just go to sleep right here."

"On the wall? That's comfortable."

"Fine. On the floor."

She laughed as he sank down against the wall. "Have a nice night, Mark."

She picked up her things and headed to the lobby, where Derek was waiting for her, smiling.

"How was your day?" he asked, pulling her into his arms.

"Good. I got to actually _do _a surgery instead of just watching one."

"I got to help on a brain mapping procedure."

"We've had a pretty good day, I'd say."

"Yep. You hungry?"

"Starving."

"Let's go to dinner, then. But I want to make one stop first."

He lead her out, one hand in his coat pocket.

XXXXXX

After about ten minutes, Mark gave up attempting to sleep on the locker room floor and decided to go home instead. As he walked down the street in the city towards his apartment, he noticed Addison and Derek, walking up ahead near Addison favorite building- the one with the cute litter viewfinders, as she called them- and was about to call out when he stopped dead in his tracks.

Derek was getting on one knee in the middle of the sidewalk.

XXXXXX

"Will you marry me?"

Addison's jaw had been dropped through Derek's entire speech, but as he finished, she stood there, speechless until she noticed the worried look in his eyes.

"Yes." She said, the grin spreading across her face. "Yes, yes, yes."

The people on the street were looking at them now, but as he pulled her to him and into a kiss, she didn't care.

Her luck was increasing as the night went on, she thought, melting into him.

XXXXXX

Mark flopped down on his couch, the scene of Derek on one knee and Addison's face and them, together, kissing on the sidewalk like the world was going to end tomorrow.

He should be the good best friend- congratulate them, call them and tell them he'd seen, at least. But instead he turned around and went the long way to his apartment as the image of them burned itself into his brain.

"It was always Derek." He muttered, turning out the light.

Today was definitely not his lucky day, he thought, keeping his eyes open so her face couldn't haunt him in his sleep.

XXXXXX

The truth is, luck has nothing to do with it- every time something happens, someone feels lucky and someone else feels like they've been punched.

Luck, really, is a part of you- the believers live thinking they've finally done something right, maybe the karmic gods have finally gotten together to make them happy.

And the people who don't believe in luck?

They sit on their couch in the dark thinking about how much they've lost.


	20. Starts With Goodbye

A/N: So in my excitement about the spin off and my depression about the end of Gilmore Girls, I'm writing a ficlet.

_Goodbye_.

One word. One seven letter word that can completely make your world spin on its axis.

Addison wasn't a fan of the word, but nonetheless she'd said it to everyone at Seattle Grace, one by one, until she was exhausted and went to Joe's at the end of the day. Still, one person remained- the most important, yet the hardest person she'd ever have to say goodbye to in her life.

"Addison?"

She froze on her barstool, hoping maybe he'd just walk away, but he repeated himself and sat next to her at the counter.

"Derek." She sighed, staring down at the counter.

"So, what are you doing here?"

"I…" she paused, prepared to lie, but then figured they'd done enough of that in the past three years and gave into the truth. "I have a flight in a few hours. The red eye."

"Oh, where?"

_This was it_. "L.A."

"Didn't you just go there a few weeks ago?"

"That was to visit, among other things. I needed to…find something out."

He looked confused, and she decided enough was enough- she'd be out of the state in a few hours, so she might as well just tell him.

"I went to see Naomi. She...she tested me, because…I wanted to have a baby."

"Addie, are you-"

"No. No, I'm not, because apparently karma hates me and decided that I was too late."

"Addison-"

"I have two eggs left, Derek. Two. I'm done. Over with. There _is _no fertility potential here, and I was _too _late."

She didn't realize she was crying, because she'd been doing so much of it lately, but he gave her a look that was pure Derek, not one ounce of McDreamy behind it, and she broke, letting him pull her to him.

"Addie, I'm so sorry. If I'd been there, if I had listened to you, you'd have a baby now because I wouldn't have gotten so involved with work, I could have made time. I could have made time for you, and a family…"

She looked up at him, and they stared at each other, until Addison broke away, shrugging Derek's arm from around her shoulders.

"I have to go, Derek. Go…have you own family, while you still have the chance."

She walked out, the rain pouring around her, and as she got to her car and threw her bag in the trunk, she realized she'd never said the one word she had meant to say.

Suddenly, someone had whipped her around and pushed her against her car, and Derek's eyes were once again locked with hers.

"Just so you know," he said, his voice low, "I could never have a child unless it was with you."

With that, he kissed her, full force, until she was falling against the car.

"Goodbye, Derek." She whispered after they broke apart.

"Goodbye, Addie."

She watched him walk away, until he turned back around.

"I…I'll visit you in L.A., okay? Soon."

"Soon…" she murmured, still in a state of shock.

There are so many things she wanted to say to him, but the only thing that had come to mind was that one word. It was so simple, and seemed so final, but Addison didn't need any of the other lengthy speeches she'd prepared to say to Derek. It wasn't the end, it wasn't over.

She would see him again, and although she didn't know it then as he walked away, she would be with him for the rest of her life. But first, she needed to start her new life. She needed that one word to start their new life together.

_Goodbye._

_I guess it's gonna have to hurt_

_I guess I'm gonna have to cry_

_And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side_

_I guess it's gonna break me down_

_The only way you try to fly_

_Accept it sometimes moving on with the rest of your life_

_Starts with goodbye…_


	21. Rain

Love had, quite literally, walked into Addison's life, and when it did it was raining. She was sitting at the coffee shop on the corner where she liked to study, and she glanced up as the bell on the door chimed. A man walked in, dripping, ordered a drink, and sat at her table.

"Derek Shepherd." He'd said, extending his hand.

"Addison. Addison Montgomery."

"I'm going to be in med school starting tomorrow." He stated.

"So am I." She glared. "Don't look so surprised."

And their friendship-turned-relationship-turned-marriage-turned-divorce began.

And it was raining.

The night Addison slept with Mark, it was raining.

The night she flew to Seattle after Derek, it was raining.

The day she got divorced, it was raining all night.

And Addison hated rain and Seattle and just needed to get away from it all. So she signed her name on a contract, got out of her hotel and moved to a top position in LA.

It never rained there.


	22. Happy Ending

"You don't know anything about me."

"Addie, I know you better than anyone."

"Prove it."

"You grew up here, you took horseback riding for twelve years, you love Broadway musicals and singing the soundtracks when you think no one's listening. You love romantic comedies, clarinet, peanut butter and novels with happy endings."

He smiled at her and took her hand in his.

"And I love you for all of it."

He kissed her for the first time, and she knew in that moment that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

She would get her own happy ending.


	23. Fighter

A/N: Addison, just…being Addison. Thinking. Kind of random.

Addison had perfected the art of being someone she wasn't.

After all Derek had put her through, she should hate him, and she acts as if she does when she walks around the hospital in New York. She especially acts like she hates him when she's around Mark. But one night in the Brownstone when she stumbles across their wedding photo, she breaks down and admits, through tears, that she loves him.

Mark's reaction is to stare at her, and her reaction to his reaction is to fly across the country to Seattle.

And here she is, standing in front of the vanity mirror in the hotel room before finding Seattle Grace Hospital. When she looks in the reflective glass, someone she doesn't know is looking back at her. Her hair is fire orange, the aftereffect of dying it blonde and then back to red, and she's curled it into tight, angry ringlets. Her make-up is applied to perfection, and her expression, as it has been for weeks now, looks cold, hard and venomous.

"Who are you?" she whispers, quietly, to the mirror.

But instead of letting herself think about it for too long, she moves to the bedroom and pulls on her heels and coat, grabs her briefcase. She's the Wicked Witch of the East in Prada, walking downstairs to get a cab.

She stands outside Seattle Grace for a few minutes when the cab lets her out, and she wonders if Derek still looks exactly like he did before.

If he'll look at her the way he did the night he left.

She could, she reasons, stumble in begging for forgiveness, but the voice in the back of her head tells her that Derek doesn't deserve that from her.

So she squares her shoulders, prepares her maniacal smirk, and walks in, her heels clicking on the pavement.

She's prepared to show no emotion. She can't, for a moment, break her resolve. Derek shouldn't be mad, she decides, for the way she acts- it's his fault after all.

He turned her into a fighter.

_'Cause it makes me that much stronger  
Makes me work a little bit harder   
It makes me that much wiser  
So thanks for making me a fighter   
Made me learn a little bit faster  
Made my skin a little bit thicker  
Makes me that much smarter  
So thanks for making me a fighter_


	24. It is You I Have Loved

A/N: So I haven't written in an eternity, I know. I've been completely blanking on fanfiction ideas lately, but my parent's friends' daughter used this song as her first dance at her wedding yesterday, and it sparked this idea. So, here we go, with my new favorite song. It just screams Addek, in my opinion. Oh, and for story reasons, Addison doesn't leave Seattle.

_July 18, 1994_

"_Do you, Derek, take thee, Addison, to be your lawfully wedded wife?"_

"_I do."_

"_And do you, Addison, take thee, Derek, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"_

"_I do."_

"_By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife…"_

_January 3, 2008_

"_So I looked through our calendars and talked to some of my friends and the only day that really works for the wedding is in July. So I called the church and the invitation company and set the date."_

"_Uh-huh…" Derek nodded absentmindedly at Meredith as he read the paper across from her at breakfast._

"_It's July 18th, okay?"_

_He froze and shut the paper. "July…July 18th?"_

"_Yeah, is there anything wrong with that day? Is that the weekend of that medical conference?"_

"_No, no…it's…it's fine. July 18__th__ is fine." With that, he took a final sip of his coffee and walked, quickly, towards the front door._

"_What's wrong? Aren't you going to finish breakfast?"_

"_I'm late for work."_

_Meredith sighed as she listened to the door shut and looked at the clock on the microwave. Derek's shift started two hours from now._

_July 18, 2008_

"_Do you, Meredith, take thee, Derek, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"_

"_I do."_

"_And do you, Derek, take thee, Meredith, to be your lawfully wedded wife?"_

"_I…" He looked around the congregation and found Addison's eyes at the back of the church. "I can't do this."_

_He backed up and ran out of the church and didn't look back._

_September 2, 2008_

"_Meredith transferred to Boston yesterday."_

"_Is that...are you…mad?"_

"_No, no, I understand. She has every right to hate me after what I did."_

"_Why did you do it, Derek? Why spend all that time fighting for it and leave her at the alter?"_

"_It's not that I didn't love her, because I did. But not…not in the way I should have. I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. I found myself thinking, right from when we got engaged, that I was making a mistake. I was changing who I was to be with her, and she…" he trailed off, and Addison nodded to him to continue. "She wasn't you."_

_When he kissed her, her mind told her to push him away and run like hell, because there was no way she was getting hurt again, but her heart told her to screw logic and just keep on going, because this felt too right to be wrong. _

_Her heart won._

July 18, 2009

"_I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."_

Addison and Derek sat at the head table in the reception hall, watching Derek's nieces and nephews running all over the room and watching Mark attempt to get one of the bridesmaids to let him take her home with him.

"Nothing's changed about him." Addison laughed, leaning into Derek.

"True. Mark Sloane will always be a player."

"God, fifteen years later and we're back where we started."

"But we did it right this time, and nothing's going to screw it up."

"How do you know?"

"I just do. I'm not letting myself mess this up again. I made a lot of mistakes, we both did, but we can do this. We deserve to be happy."

A silence came over them for a minute.

"I just want to stay right here with you forever." Addison said, letting Derek's arm wrap around her shoulders.

Suddenly, the speakers sprung to life.

"Hi, everyone, I'm Mark, the best man." Mark was clearly intoxicated, but no one seemed to care. "I want to make a quick speech here. I've known Addison and Derek since we were in med school, and on the first day, Derek and I were sitting on a bench and this redhead comes tearing down the hall muttering about being late for class and I'm laughing my ass off, and Derek turns to me and says, 'She's beautiful.'" Everyone smiled. "Even though I'm the jerk who ruined my best friend's marriage the first time, I want them to be happy. You deserve it, guys." He looked at the two of them, and they could tell that he was being genuine. "So I'm supposed to tell you that it's time for their first dance as husband and wife, for the second time."

Addison and Derek moved towards the dance floor as the lights dimmed and their song came on, and they came together to dance as if they were the only two people in the room.

And they would make it, this time, Derek knew. He leaned forward and whispered, smiling, into Addison's ear, "It was always you."

But an unexpected way  
On this unexpected day  
Could it mean this is where I belong  
It is you I have loved all along

It's no more mystery  
It is finally clear to me  
You're the home my heart searched for so long  
And it is you I have loved all along

There were times I ran to hide  
Afraid to show the other side  
Alone in the night without you

But now I know just who you are  
And I know you hold my heart  
Finally this is where I belong  
It is you I have loved all along

It's no more mystery  
It is finally clear to me  
You're the home my heart searched for so long  
And it is you I have loved all along

Over and over  
I'm filled with emotion  
Your love, it rushes through my veins

And I am filled  
With the sweetest devotion  
As I, I look into your perfect face


	25. Family

A/N: So I finally got some inspiration. A one-shot of sorts.

She hadn't thought about him in weeks.

Honestly, she hadn't. It had been almost six months since she'd moved to LA to work for Oceanside Wellness Center, and she had, so she thought, moved on with her life. She'd had a short-lived relationship with Pete almost immediately after her arrival, and they both decided it was much too soon to be together after Addison's divorce. She was still pining over Derek then, and it had taken a few months of being alone and clearing her head to find herself again. After almost sixteen years of being Addison-and-Derek, married or not, she had finally found a way to be just Addison again.

She walked into her office and noticed, immediately, a vase full of yellow flowers sitting on her desk. She smiled, sat down in her chair, and picked up the card.

_Addison-_

_I know we both decided when you first got here that it was too soon for a relationship, but I miss you. Please, just give me a shot. You don't have to commit to anything and I'm not going to rush you, but just let me talk to you. Okay?_

_-Pete_

She closed the card and leaned her arms on the desk.

It had been more than fourteen years since she'd actually _dated_, before Derek, before Mark, before her hellish year of marriage in Seattle and before her divorce. She looked at the card, the flowers, and then glanced up at the window of her office that looked into the lobby, where Pete was leaning against the reception desk talking to Sam.

She smiled again and nodded to herself. This would be good. This would be a breath of fresh air. She walked towards the door and had her hand on the knob when her phone rang, breaking the silence in her office.

She sighed and reached over, flipping open the phone.

"Montgomery."

"Addison?"

Her heart fluttered, her breath caught in her throat.

"D-Derek?"

A sigh, from the other end of the phone. "Yeah, it's me."

"What…what can I do for you?" She attempted to sound professional and wondered why, suddenly, she couldn't seem to form coherent thoughts.

"I…" he trailed off, and she wondered for a few seconds if he had hung up on her. "I need you to come to Seattle."

"What?"

"I need you here."

"Derek, why? Is it a consult? Because I can give you a name of a good OB in the Seattle area-"

"It's not a consult. It's mom."

"Derek, what happened?"

"She was in a car accident on her way from the airport to my apartment, and she needs brain surgery."

The first thought that came to mind was _so he doesn't live in the trailer anymore_, but she immediately cursed herself and brought back the reality of the situation.

"I'm so sorry, Derek, but I don't know what I can do. It's not my specialty or anything, I'm sure there's a great neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace or Mercy West that could do the surgery…" She stopped herself and started to realize why he had called.

"Addie, I need _you_."

He needed _her._ Not her skills as a surgeon, but her support. She was still his family, whether she liked to admit it or not, and he needed her. And somehow, she found herself unable to refuse.

"I'll be on the next flight out tonight."

"Thank you, Addison, thank you." She could hear the relief entering his voice.

She grabbed her purse and started to walk out of the hospital when she noticed Pete at the desk. She'd completely forgotten, and she sighed as she halted at the door.

"Thank you for the flowers, Pete, they were beautiful, but I have to go. I'll call you, I promise."

She sounded so short and she hated it, but her mind was racing as she ran towards her car, and she added calling him back to her list of things she should be doing but probably would not.

XXXXXX

The last time Addison flew into Seattle and got a cab to the hospital, she was greeted by Derek and his blonde intern in the lobby, and she'd never forget the look on his face when he saw her- a mix of shock, horror and pure, unadulterated hate.

But now, he was sitting there with his head in his hands, and she walked up to him slowly, her heels clacking on the tile floor.

"Derek."

He looked up, abruptly, and they both stared at each other, not sure where to start, when suddenly he jumped up and pulled her into his arms.

"Thank you," he whispered into her ear, sending chills down her spine, "Thank you so, so much."

He led her, wordlessly, to the gallery of an OR, and she had a sudden flashback of the last time she'd sat here- two rings, each on a different finger, contemplating what to with them and the fallen state of her marriage.

They sat together in the front, and Addison immediately recognized the surgeon as the second-hand neurosurgeon to Derek, and the intern as Izzie Stevens. A second later, a coffee cup was being passed into her hand, and she looked to see Nancy and Mark standing to Derek's left. She nodded her thanks and the pair sat down silently, and Addison was surprised that no one seemed to question her being there.

As they started the truly risky part of the surgery, Addison's doctor instincts kicked in. They shouldn't be up here, family members aren't allowed to sit in the galleries…but when she caught sight of Derek's face, all thoughts of hospital procedure were out the window.

A lone tear was making its way down his cheek, and he turned to her.

"It's my fault, you know." He started, his voice hoarse. "She called me and said that I must be lonely all by myself in Seattle, and she decided I needed her to visit."

Addison found tears starting to sting in the backs of her eyes, and when she tried to speak, the lump forming in her throat burned.

"Derek, this is _not_ your fault. Don't you ever think that." She managed, and didn't realize she, too, was crying until he lifted a hand to her face and swiped away her tears.

"Don't you start crying, now." He said, the tiniest bits of a smile forming on his lips, "You're supposed to be the strong-willed one."

She wiped her eyes and nodded, then they both looked straight through the glass as the increased beeping of the heart monitor swelled and echoed in the room. She could see Derek's jaw tighten and he reached over, slowly, and pressed his hand into hers where it rested in her lap. She took it and moved herself closer to him, then leaned her head on his shoulder and whispered,

"It's all going to be okay. Mom is the strongest person in this entire world, and she's too stubborn to let go now. Okay?"

He nodded, and she found herself unable to move. She let her head rest on his shoulder and kept her grip, reassuringly, on his hand, all thoughts of LA or Pete or her previous time in Seattle forgotten as she focused on Derek.

Because after all, they were family.


	26. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

A/N: I know it's October, but I'm in a Christmas mood today. And we're going a little bit AU with the timeline.

Addison sat on the couch in the trailer, the dim lighting making it almost impossible to see Derek's Range Rover pulling up the gravel path. She watched as he got out of the car, checked his watch, and walked towards the door. He walked in, shut the door behind him, and flashed her a smile.

She forced a smile back. It wasn't as if she'd expected him to come home early on Christmas Eve. She'd stopped hoping last Christmas, when he told her he loved another woman.

"Addison." He said, pleasantly, and she said the first thing that came to mind.

"Are you high?"

"What?" His eyes widened, and she almost laughed out loud.

"Are you on drugs?"

"No, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Nothing, it's just that you haven't sounded so happy to see me in three years. What happened? Do you have a fever?" She said, and he glared.

"Stop being sarcastic." He paused, then glanced around the room before settling his eyes back on her.

"Come on." He stepped forward, grabbed her hand and pulled her up off of the couch, grabbing her coat from the chair she'd left it on and half-dragging her out the door.

"Derek, where are you going?"

"Just trust me."

He opened the passenger seat door for her to get in and then walked around to his side, starting the car and pulling out.

"What are you doing? Why did you drag me to the car in my pajamas?"

"You'll see."

"Can you talk in full sentences or are we in a fragment stage right now?"

He laughed and she shook her head.

"Derek Shepherd, you are a crazy person."

"That's what you say _now_."

"Aha! A sentence!" She feigned being impressed and he kept driving, then stopped a few minutes later when they reached the loading station for the Ferry boats and the bridge that overlooked the water, where she'd waited last year on Thanksgiving for him to meet her.

He led her, wordlessly, to the rail, and pulled out a small black box from his coat pocket.

"Addison," he started, and she looked up at him, his eyes sparkling in a way she hadn't seen in years, "I'm sorry."

She looked at him questioningly. This hadn't been what she'd expected, although there wasn't much to realistically expect with the way the night was going.

"Sorry?"

"I'm sorry. For New York, for Meredith, for the trailer, for everything."

"Derek…not that I'm not thrilled, but where is this coming from?"

"I saw this couple today, at the hospital. They were…miserable. They couldn't even be in the same room without screaming at each other about something stupid, and they looked so…empty, like there was nothing left to fight for. And I thought…God, that's us. That's what's happened to us, and I couldn't take it anymore. I realized how much of an _ass_ I've been. And those people in there, they'll never be happy. Their marriage is over. But us, we can make it. We can try, we can work through this. I refuse to end up like them. I refuse to end up…"

"Like my parents."

"Addison, no-"

"You can say it, Derek. My parents could be in a brochure for a divorce lawyer. All my life I watched them tear each other apart, and I swore I'd never be like them."

"Let's make a promise, okay? We'll never end up that miserable. Promise?"

"Promise."

He held out the box then. "Open it."

She pried it open and saw the glint of metal, and immediately she knew what it was.

"Your wedding ring."

He nodded. "I was hoping you could put it back where it belongs."

She smiled, and he noticed the tears in her eyes as she slipped it back to the place it had been for eleven years. She leaned into him and he let an arm rest around her as she whispered, "Thank you. Thank you, thank you."

She shivered, and he pulled apart to take her hand.

"Hey, let's go home. It's freezing out here."

She nodded and they walked back to the car and drove home in a comfortable silence, Christmas music playing lightly on the radio and snowflakes dotting the dashboard.

When they got back inside, Addison sat on the couch and watched Derek go into the kitchen and return a few minutes later with two mugs and a fleece blanket.

"Mm, thank you." Addison said, taking the steaming cup of hot chocolate and drinking some before setting it down on the table. Derek sat down beside her, draping the blanket over them both, and pulled her over to lean into him.

"Merry Christmas, Addie." He said, noticing the clock strike midnight.

"Merry Christmas." She smiled and he kissed her, gently, before she rested her head on his shoulder. As she drifted off to sleep, he pressed a kiss to her forehead and whispered, "I love you, Addison."

He shut his eyes then, and in the silence that filled the trailer he heard her mumble, her voice drowsy with sleep, "I love you, too."

_Fin_


	27. Favors

A/N: Basically, it's random fluff with no point whatsoever. And we're assuming for story purposes that after the divorce, Addison buys her own house in Seattle.

Written for Kendel.

"I don't know what she wants from me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make her not completely _loathe_ me."

"You owe her."

"What?"

"You owe her. You should do anything she asked for what you put her through."

Callie stabbed her salad with a fork as Derek sat across from her, drinking coffee. "But-"

"No buts. Just do it."

Derek sighed and stood up from the table, walking away. "That woman is scary." He muttered, walking in search of Addison.

XXX

"You want to do me a favor?"

Derek nodded, watching as Addison's eyebrows rose.

"Yeah. I owe you that much." He said, remembering Callie's command.

Addison considered this. Either Derek was feeling guilty about making her life a living hell, or Callie had gotten to him. Probably the latter. But who was she to refuse a favor?

"And it can be anything I want?"

"Yep."

She thought about this, trying to find the most boring manual task she could think of, them smiled. "Fine. I want you to rake my leaves."

"Rake your _leaves_? I'll do anything you want and you want me to _rake your leaves_?"

She smirked. "Yes. That's what I want."

XXX

A week later, Addison sat on the couch in the window of her house, watching through amused eyes as Derek struggled to manage the rake on her front lawn. The wind was heavy and the leaves swirled around him, ruining every pile he made. She watched as he pulled his coat tighter around him to shield the cold November air and sighed as he tried to move leaves into a pile on her sidewalk to no avail.

At first, it had been fun to watch him suffer, but now…she sighed. "I'm such a pushover." She said, standing and moving to the front door.

"Derek." She called, and when he turned around to face her, she noticed the cold-induced redness of his face. "Come inside." She said, motioning towards the house. He dropped the rake eagerly and bounded up the stairs and into the house, shrugging off his coat.

"Jesus, Addison, it's thirty five degrees outside! Are you _insane_?"

"That's still being debated." She quipped, walking towards the kitchen as he followed her. She handed him a cup of coffee and they sat, in silence, at the table.

"Thank you," she started, "For raking my leaves. Or…trying to, anyway."

"No problem." He said, but he didn't know she had been watching him struggle through the task.

"Hey, do you want to…stay for dinner or something? It'll warm you up."

"Yeah, okay."

She pulled the pizza she'd been making out of the oven and started to cut it. He noticed, for the first time, how pretty she looked in the dim light of the kitchen, and looked away.

"So, why leaves?"

"I guess…I guess I was so wrapped up in trying to hate you that I tried to find something that would make you completely miserable." She brought the plates to the table. "I'm sorry." She added, and he smiled.

"It's okay. Because you don't hate me anymore, do you?"

She started to protest but just couldn't when she looked in his eyes, and she sighed. "That's the worst part. I don't hate you. Not even at all."

He smirked, and she glared. "Don't get cocky."

Before she could think about what was happening, his frozen lips were on hers and she was being pulled, quickly, to her living room.

XXX

An hour later, they were laying on the couch with a movie playing, Derek's arms encircling Addison's shoulders.

"For the record," she said, "I'm still mad at you."

"Of course you are." He said, smirking.

"But…are we even now?"

It was her turn to smirk now, looking up at him seductively. "Not even close. Those leaves pile up quickly, you know…"

A/N: So that was random. And pointless. Just like I said. See, I don't lie to you, do I? Review anyway, even if it's to tell me that you hated it or that I reminded you to rake your leaves.


	28. Road Trip

A/N: Points Look, an update!

"Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see."

"You're not going to take me to some vacant ditch, kill me and put me in the ocean like in that movie, are you?"

"What movie?"

"That one Lifetime movie with Candace Cameron and that guy from _The Wonder Years_."

"Oh, um…right. But no, I don't have an extravagant plan to commit murder."

Addison smirked. "But seriously, where are we going?"

"You'll see." Derek repeated.

"Way to be vague."

Addison sat in silence then, admiring the roads and forest preserves as they drove down the highway. Derek had insisted on taking her on a Road Trip somewhere that he refused to give details about. They had just moved back to New York after the year of hell in Seattle, and he thought it would give them more time to get to know each other again and "bond". Addison was convinced, however, that it was to throw her off of a cliff in a secluded area to get back at her for her infidelity.

They pulled into a parking lot, Derek turning to face her from the driver's seat. "We're here."

"Where?" Addison glanced around, confused.

"Let me try to jog your memory. A long drive to the Hamptons, the car broke down, we stopped here for the night and ended up not leaving the hotel room for three whole days…" he trailed off as she remembered, shock coming over her expression.

"Oh. My God. The place with the bed."

"Yep."

He hopped out of the car, walking ahead of her. When she walked behind him, he turned around, pouting like a five-year-old. "Come _on_, Addie!"

She laughed, running to catch up with him and feeling her jaw drop when she felt his hand grasping hers. Derek was genuinely excited to be here, with her, and although they weren't fixed by any means, they were getting there.


	29. New Memories

A/N: So I was inspired to write, because of tonight's Grey's

A/N: So I was inspired to write, because of tonight's Grey's. It was the first episode I've watched since the start of this season (because really, without Addison it sucks. A lot). The episode was unfinished, so here's my own twist on it.

"Addison?"

Derek stood next to Meredith, chart in hand, when the familiar redhead- she'd since dyed her hair darker, he noticed- walked towards them.

"Hey! Derek, Meredith. Great to see everything's the same here. Same people, same hospital, same happy couple."

An awkward pause came over them, and Derek shifted. He watched as Addison gave Meredith an uncomfortable hug, looking between the two women.

"Well. I have to go…save a life. Talk to you later!"

Addison rushed off, clearly feeling out of place, and Meredith made an excuse to leave as well. Derek watched the two walking off in different directions and realized, in that instant, that Addison was right. Nothing had changed. He still had feelings for her, and he planned on spending the rest of the day ridding himself of them.

XXX

"So, how's LA?" he asked her as they leaned against the rail of the bridge. He remembered, then, the last time they had stood on that bridge- the day before Seattle Grace's pseudo-prom, where Addison had declared that she was "not Meredith Grey". _She certainly isn't_, Derek thought, noticing that she looked exactly as he had remembered, but with a different aura of confidence.

"It's nice. Warm weather, new people, surfing."

"_You_ surf?" he asked, laughing.

"Well, no." she admitted, looking away. "I sit on the beach and watch other people surf. Mostly shirtless men, which isn't a bad deal."

He laughed again, but in his head considering asking the question he'd most wanted to ask. "So…are you seeing anyone?"

"Me? No. I was, sort of. It was complicated. But it wouldn't have worked out. He didn't want to let anyone in."

"Oh." They stood awkwardly, avoiding eye contact.

"So. How are you and Meredith doing?" she asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

"We're actually…not together anymore."

"Seriously?!" Addison's eyes widened as she turned to face him, "You have got to be kidding me!"

"I'm afraid not."

Before he could see it coming, she slapped his arm with her chart, continuing as he shifted away.

"What are you doing?"

"Are you serious? We fought over this for a _year_, were absolutely miserable, I left Seattle because I thought that you loved her enough that to make you happy I would have to leave her with you, and then you _break up_?! Are you serious?"

"Addison, you can't expect me to stay with someone I don't love."

She silenced, glancing up at him and clutching her chart. "I guess you're right. After all, that's what happened with me."

Before he could protest, she had stalked off towards a patient's room, where he couldn't talk to her.

"Great." He muttered, "I lost her again." He peered into the room, where she was talking animatedly with her patient, leaning against a table.

"God, what am I _doing_?"

XXX

"What's up with you?"

Mark plopped down at the table in the seat across from Derek, eyeing his untouched lunch tray. Derek lifted his head out of his hands and sighed.

"Addison's back."

"I know. She's doing a surgery."

"Yeah. She's…different. She's still the same person, mostly, still the same Addison, but she's so much more free and sure of herself than she was here. She isn't trapped. I don't want to be trapped."

"And you're trapped here?"

"Not in my job or anything, but…I don't even know who I am anymore. It's like Addison found a way to move on, and I'm still waiting for this big moment of happiness to hit me. I stayed here because of Meredith, only to realize that we aren't meant to be together. And on top of that, Addison coming back made me think…I don't know, never mind."

Mark looked at him knowingly. "You still love her."

"I didn't say that! I just…okay, yes. I didn't think I did, not at all, but then she came back and it brought back all of these memories, and for the first time, they weren't about you screwing our relationship. No offense."

"None taken."

"I had good memories, of being happy, and I just realized that I've been waiting for her all along. But there's nothing I can do about it."

"Leave."

"What?"

"Leave Seattle Grace. Get a job at a different hospital, start over."

"You say that like it's easy."

"It is. Addison did it, didn't she?"

"Yeah, but she's…Addison. She's strong enough for that kind of thing."

"Look, do you want her back or not?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"So you have to stop being McDreamy and go back to being Derek. You know what you have to do."

With that, Mark left, leaving Derek to come up with a plan.

XXX

"You busy?"

Addison whipped around to see Derek leaning in the doorway of the doctor's lounge, smiling.

"No, not at all, actually. Just getting ready to go."

"You're leaving tonight?"

"It's not my place to stay any longer, Derek. I'm a different person, and nothing here is the same. I can't stay here with all the bad memories, I have to go and make new ones."

"I want to make new memories." Derek blurted, moving to stand closer to her.

"What?"

"I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here waiting for my life to be better, waiting for someone to come and tell me what to do to be happy. I'm not who I used to be, and I don't like who I am. I have to leave."

"You're leaving Seattle Grace?"

"I just talked to Richard about it. He wasn't happy about it at all, but he understood. I think he gets it. I'm looking for a new position as soon as possible."

"Wow." She breathed. "I never expected that from you. I mean, I thought you were happy here."

"I was. I thought I was. Until…never mind."

"Until what?"

"Until you left."

Addison sighed. "Derek, we were divorced. You _hated_ me. Why would you want me here?"

"Maybe I didn't talk to you, maybe I didn't see you often, but you were here. No matter what was going on with us, I knew you were here, and when you left it was like my reason for being here left, too. I want to go back."

"Derek, what are you talking about?"

"I want to make new memories." He repeated, and she didn't have time to react when he kissed her. It took her a few moments to realize what was going on and a few more to pull away, and when she did, her eyes were wide.

"What…what are we doing, Derek?"

He looked her in the eye, truly, for the first time in their conversation. "I still love you. I know that sounds completely ridiculous after all we've been through and I know we're completely dysfunctional, but I can't change it. I love you."

Addison was silent for a moment, processing.

"You know," she said, smiling as she draped her arms around his neck, "There's a neuro position open at LA General Hospital…"


	30. Back to You

A/N: I'm BAAACK! Sort of. This was written a few months ago, when I first got my laptop, but I haven't had internet access to upload it until now. Enjoy! This is set in season three, episode 2. It's AU after a little while, because…well, you'll see. And there's a line that I borrowed-sort of- from The Great Gatsby, which I don't own.

Mark Sloane sat slumped on his couch, the amount of alcohol in the glass in his hand gradually becoming less and less. The dull, empty silence that filled the apartment was something he'd gotten used to, and he'd found himself a routine: work, have his latest on-call room endeavor with whatever nurse happened to be at the desk, and come home and drink himself numb. He'd thought about his relationship with Addison a lot since she left for Seattle- he realized, eventually, that his dream of being with Addison forever, taking their kids for walks in Central Park and living in a cozy brownstone together when they were eighty years old was unrealistic- he'd wanted nothing less of Addison than that she go up to Derek and say "I never loved you," and that was something he knew she would never do.

Suddenly, the shrill ringing of a phone brought him back to reality and he reached, blindly, for the receiver without checking the caller ID.

"Hello?"

"Mark! It's me."

It took him a moment to realize that it was _her_.

"Addison, what's wrong?"

He'd been responding to her phone calls that way for years- ever since Derek started leaving her home alone every night, forgetting anniversaries, when he'd forget to call at all…

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong! Everything's just perfectly, gloriously great!"

"Addie-"

"No, I mean it, really. My husband cheated on me at the _prom_, my marriage is over, and I spent the day eating delicious muffins that will make me completely and utterly obese. I'm having a _fantastic_ day!"

"Addison, you're drunk."

"Really, I didn't notice."

He sighed. "What do you need me to do?"

"Come to Seattle."

"What?"

"Come here. I need you."

"Addison, what-" he paused, realizing _exactly_ what she meant.



"Addison, I know you're upset and angry, but you can't sleep with me to get revenge on Derek for being an ass. This isn't what you want."

She was silent, and he attempted to find anything that would possibly make this a good idea.

"Addie…" He sighed and looked at the clock- 10:30. "I'll be there soon, okay? I'm taking the next flight out."

She sighed on the other line. "Thank you."

He hung up, put down his half-full glass, and grabbed his coat and keys before heading to the airport.

XXX

When he reached Joe's bar in his taxi, he could see her sitting on the curb, her head in her hands and her red hair splayed over her back and shoulders sloppily, a fishing hat tilted sideways on her head.

When he got out of the car and walked to stand beside her, he realized for the first time that she was crying and sat down next to her on the sidewalk.

"Addison."

She looked up at him, her eyes red, and let out a dry laugh.

"I'm such an _idiot_." She cried, wiping her eyes. "My marriage is _over_ and I thought I could fix it by making you come all the way out here."

She started to cry again and he stood up and pulled her to join him.

"Come on," he said, "I'm taking you home."

She followed him, wordlessly, to the cab, and they drove off into the raining Seattle night.

XXX

An hour and a half later, she had sobered up significantly and was forced by Mark to take a shower and calm down. She sat on her hotel bed, her hair dripping, thinking about what the hell had happened in the last twenty-four hours when there was a knock at her door. She stood to open it and almost fell through the doorway when she saw Derek standing in the hallway, his hands in his pockets.

"I thought you were room service."

She turned around and walked back to the bed, and he followed and let the door shut behind him before stopping a few feet away from her.

"I feel terrible." He said, looking at her as she picked up a glass. "I'm not proud of what I did."

When she didn't respond, he continued. "You deserve better."



She felt her throat tighten and focused all of her energy into staring into her glass of champagne, feeling that if she looked him in the eye she might completely fall apart.

"I'm sorry about the panties…at prom." He looked at her, truly, for the first time, and noticed that she looked as if she were about to cry. He hadn't come here to make her feel worse, but…he sighed. "I'm sorry I did that."

She brought the glass to her lips and drank some of the champagne, hoping to force down the lump in her throat. He moved to sit next to her on the bed, and for the first time she looked him in the eyes.

"Yeah…I'm sorry you did that too."

There was a long pause, and Derek glanced back at her. "Our marriage is over." The pang in his heart was unfamiliar to him, and he wondered why it felt like there was a voice in the back of his mind, screaming, _No!_

Her voice cracked as she spoke, "Yeah, I guess it is."

"It's all my fault." He said, then shook his head. "It's incredibly sad…" Almost inaudibly, he repeated, "Incredibly sad."

The pair sat there together, the silence in the room deafening, and all of a sudden Derek turned to see tears making their way slowly down Addison's cheeks. He turned towards her and shook his head.

"Don't cry, Addison, please…" He pleaded, and she replied, her voice hoarse and tears stinging in her throat, "I'm not trying to."

With that, she lost every bit of resolve she'd tried to build up since he walked in and before she realized it she was falling into him, his jacket simultaneously soaked by her tears, her wet hair, and the rain from outside.

He instinctively wrapped his arms around her and sighed, trying to ignore the tears at the back of his own eyes. "Please, Addie, please don't cry."

Her shoulders shook and he moved his head lower and whispered, "Please, don't make this harder than it has to be."

She pulled away, reluctantly, and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry, Derek," she said, locking her tear-filled eyes with his, "I'm so, so sorry."

Another moment of silence, and he looked back at her. "I should go."

She nodded slightly, and he leaned over and placed a quick, soft kiss on her lips.

"Goodbye, Addison."

He stood and moved towards the door, and looked back at her once more before letting the door close.



"Goodbye." She whispered, feeling the effect of over a third of her life walking out her door.

XXX

Three months later, Meredith Grey was transferred to Boston for "personal reasons."

She and Derek coexisted as peacefully as possible in the hospital, attempting to talk about generic topics and surgeries rather than bring up the eleven years they'd been married and the fifteen they'd been together.

Another two months later, however, Derek stormed into her office, looking disheveled and slightly angry.

"I can't take this anymore." He said, and she pulled of her glasses, raising her eyebrows at him.

"What?"

He started pacing, and her eyes followed him as he moved back and forth in front of her desk.

"I can't take this anymore! I tried, Addison. We divorced and I moved on with Meredith, but then she moved across the country because she accused me of being in love with you! "

Addison's jaw dropped, realizing that she'd never actually gotten the details behind Meredith's quick exit.

"She said that she didn't want to be the other woman and if I was going to keep looking at you the way I did, she wasn't going to wait around. She said that she must have just been a replacement for you, that all I'd wanted was in front of me the whole time and I just didn't see it. It was ridiculous, Addison!"

She watched, still shocked, as he ran a hand through his hair.

And you want to know the worst part of it?" He stopped pacing and walked around the back of the desk to stand beside her chair, forcing her to spin to the side to face him.

His eyes softened from the angry look they'd held before to an almost sad expression.

"It's true. Every bit of it."

Her mouth opened to speak but couldn't find the words, and they stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity.

"I tried not to love you." He said, his voice almost a whisper, "but I couldn't do it."

With that, his lips crashed onto hers and she reached out to wrap her hands around his neck. He pulled her up, running his hands through her hair, and she held onto him as tight as she could, feeling that if she let go, he would disappear.

They pulled apart to breathe and she whispered, "Derek, what are we doing?"



"This is crazy." He said, looking her in the eyes, "This might possibly be the worst idea in the history of the world, but I need you."

"Derek, we're divorced."

"And what rulebook says that matters?" He paused. "I'm going to make this up to you, Addie. I'm going to make up for those years. For those nights I wasn't there, for all the times I didn't call, for all the birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries I missed. I'm going to make it all up to you. I'm going to be there, I'm going to give you what you've always deserved."

For the first time, he let his lips curve into a small smile, and her heart melted. All she could do was kiss him in response, and she let herself let go.

Because really, with an offer like that, how could she refuse?


	31. Intervention

A/N: This was also written a few months ago on my laptop, and just uploaded now. Enjoy! Set in New York during Addison, Mark and Derek's residency. Addison and Derek were never married or together, therefore there was no adultery and no move to Seattle.

_This is all Mark's fault_, Addison thought as she sat in the hallway of the hospital, her head in her hands. She thought back to the day, seven years ago, when she was starting med school and had already known Mark from college. He had invited her over to introduce her to his best friend since kindergarten, and they had immediately had a connection and became best friends themselves. Therefore, she decided, it was Mark's fault that she was completely, head over heels in love with Derek Shepherd. What she was going to do about it, she didn't know.

"Hey, are you done for the night?" His voice rang out at the end of the hallway, and as her heart rate increased, she tried not to look flustered.

"Yeah, are you?"

"Yeah. Mark and I are going to go back to my place to eat dinner and watch TV or something. You coming?"

"Yeah, sure." She stood and walked towards him, and she couldn't help but smile. Her worries would have to wait, at least until tomorrow.

XXX

"Oh my God!" Addison exclaimed the next morning as she walked down the hospital halls. Standing in the lobby was her best friend from childhood, and she ran to her despite the confused stares of the hospital staff.

"Savvy!"

"Addie!"

She was released from the hug and smiled, the pair starting to walk down the hallway.

"You do _not_ know how much I've missed you. How's Mark?"

"He's fine. Being a manwhore, but that's nothing new."

"Who's his latest victim?"



Addison stopped and tilted her head towards the nurse's station, where a thin, young-looking nurse stood reading over charts.

"The blonde one?"

"Yep."

"She's probably half his age!"

"Has that ever stopped Mark?"

"Point. How about Derek?"

Instinctively, Addison found herself stuttering. "He-he's-Derek is fine. He's been fine."

Savvy raised an eyebrow. "Okay…"

"You know, the nurses have started giving out nicknames. They call him McDreamy."

She faked an unconvincing laugh, attempting to lighten the mood and get the conversation completely off the topic of Derek. She was hoping Savvy would laugh it off with her and move on, but to no avail.

Savvy grabbed her by the arm and led her, quickly, into the nearest ladies' room.

"You. Talk. Now."

"What-about what?" She asked, attempting to sound innocent.

"You know what about! What's with you and Derek?"

"Nothing! Why would you think something was going on?"

"Because you blushed when I mentioned him, stuttered when you talked about him, and tried to get the conversation off of him immediately."

Addison inwardly cringed. She'd _blushed?_ "It's nothing. We're best friends, you know that."

"But you don't want to be just friends, do you, Addie?"

"Savvy, that's ridiculous. Derek's like my-my older brother!" She tried to sound convincing, but she felt her resolve breaking down as Savvy stared her down. The bathroom door opened and the blonde nurse from the desk started to walk in, but Savvy moved to the door in an instant.

"Important intervention going on here! Bathroom's unavailable!"



"But-you can't-" the nurse protested.

"Hey, I might _look_ weak to you, but I grew up in Queens. I can beat your ass."

The tiny nurse scurried away, and Addison tried not to laugh.

"Anyway," Savvy said, moving back to where Addison stood at the sinks with a wild hand gesture, "Derek. Addison, we've been best friends since I moved next door in sixth grade. I know when you're lying, and I know when something's bothering you."

Addison sighed. She couldn't hide from Savvy if she tried. "God, Savvy, I don't know what to do." She leaned against the edge of the sink and sighed, her eyes closing momentarily. "I…" she paused, feeling that if she said it out loud, it would make it really true, "I'm in love with him. I think about him _all_ of the time, and I don't know what to do about it!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration.

"Addie, you've got to tell him. And I'm only in town for the day, so I can't actually follow up and make you do it, but you know you have to tell him."

She sighed. "I know."

The two walked out together and spent the day talking and catching up in between Addison's patients, but Addison couldn't seem to get one thought off of her mind- if she told Derek…their friendship would be ruined forever. Wouldn't it?

XXX

Almost six months later, she'd still kept quiet about the whole ordeal, She was sitting on her couch watching late night television, which she'd been doing a lot lately when her mind was racing too much to sleep. She was startled by a knock at her door and was prepared to hit whoever it was with a blunt object as she opened the door when she saw that it was Derek, drenched with rain.

"Derek, what are you doing here?" She tried to convince herself that she hadn't _just_ been thinking about him when he sighed and looked up at her, his eyes almost making her melt,

"I need to talk to you."

She stepped back at let him in, and she was surprised that instead of taking off his rain-soaked leather jacket, he started to pace in her entryway.

"There's something I've wanted to say to you for the past few months, but I couldn't find the right time."



Addison nodded, filling the pause he'd created.

"We're friends, Addison, best friends."

She nodded again, raising an eyebrow at his vagueness. "Derek, what are you-"

"Let me finish Addie, please, or I'll never say it all."

She nodded, and he continued to talk and pace.

"We've been best friends for eight years now, and I have always thought of you as the one person in my life that I could count on. I mean, I have Mark, but it's hard to talk to him about anything serious when he's busy with his latest on-call room affair…" he paused, as if trying to find the right words. "I've always been able to talk to you about anything, and we're those kind of friends that can finish each other's sentences and read each other's minds and get on each other's nerves sometimes but are still standing together at the end of the day."

Another long, empty pause, and he stopped pacing and stood, facing her.

"I don't know how to say this to you. I've been running it in my head the past few days and I had the perfect thing planned out, but once I got here I forgot all of it and I can't even _think_ straight anymore, and I swear I had a really good metaphor or simile or _something_ to help say this the right way but all that's running through my head is how much I really, really want to kiss you now."

To Addison, it seemed that time had stopped completely.

There was a long, never-ending moment of silence. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn't find the words, and they stared at each other, seeing each other in a new light, discovering for the first time parts of each other that they never had seen before.

After it seemed like years, Derek moved forward to stand in front of Addison, so close that she could feel his breath on her lips. He looked into her eyes and spoke, low and quietely, almost inaudibly.

"Addison," he started, pulling her hand into his, "I'm in love with you."

Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open, and she finally found words after a few seconds. "Derek, you have no idea…you don't know how long I've waited to hear you say that. You don't know how long I've loved you."



They were frozen, stuck in the moment, both somewhat shocked by what was happening, and both scared of what was to come. Derek continued to hold her hand and spoke, softly.

"Can we do this? Do you _want_ to do this?" he asked, and she sighed.

"I…God, Derek, yes."

"Does this-are you…scared?"

She took a moment to respond, because she really _was _scared out of her mind, but when she thought of all the years she'd waited finally commencing into one moment, she decided that they would face their fears together another day and grinned.

"Derek…" she stepped closer, "Just shut up and kiss me."


	32. Letter

XXX

Look, I know you're angry. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to hate me forever and never speak to me again, because I know you feel betrayed and hurt right now. But just promise me you'll read this, and promise me you'll think about it.

I know that I hurt you, but you have to understand, I felt so alone without you. For months, we barely talked, except when you called to say you wouldn't be coming home. I know it looks like this is all my fault, but you have to remember all the anniversaries you missed and the family parties where you sent Mark in your place. I'm not trying to justify what happened; I'm taking the responsibility, but you have to know that I didn't get there alone.

I loved you, Derek. I loved you, and I waited, and I sat at home alone every night hoping you'd walk in the door. I'd have a day where I'd lose three patients and come home to an empty house, wishing you'd be there to tell me everything would be alright, even if it wouldn't. I missed you and I was lonely and that's not an excuse, but I would never have hurt you on purpose.

I know that you're fine, out in Seattle, but you have to know that there's rarely one second that goes by where I don't miss you. No matter what happened with us, no matter how broken we are, a part of me always thinks we can fix it. We can get through this, I know we can, if you'll just let me in and let me try. Just let me try to fix things.

You won't leave Seattle Grace. I know I can't ask that of you. But I'll be here, waiting. Your key to the house still works, and I'll be waiting.

And you need to know that I never stopped loving you, not for a minute.

XXX

Addison stared at the letter in her hands and sighed. "What the hell did I just write?" she asked, bunching it up and tossing it on the counter. "What's the use?" She grabbed her coat, leaving for work to try and forget that she'd ever written the letter, pretending it had never happened.

XXX

Derek put his key in the lock, shakily, wondering if she'd changed the locks. He wouldn't be surprised. But the knob turned and he opened the door, walking in slowly.

"Addison?"

There was no answer, just the echo of his own voice in the brownstone as he moved towards the kitchen.

XXX

Addison pushed open the door after her shift, prepared to crash on the couch watching _Love Actually_. But she didn't remember leaving this many lights on. Either she had a burglar, or…no. It couldn't be-

"Addison?"

"Derek? What…what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't do it." He said, walking towards her, "I couldn't let us end that way. And…I never stopped loving you, either."

He held up the crumpled piece of paper where she'd written her letter, a smile growing on his face.

"We can fix this," he said, grasping her hand, "We can fix this."

She smiled back, watching him walk back towards the kitchen. It wasn't much, but it was all she could ask for. A fresh start.

_Winter here is coming,_

_The leaves are almost gone_

_You can hear the birds migrating_

_Through the sky lit autumn dawn_

_The colors here are changing,_

_There's no green in sight,_

_And the snow has made its entrance, so the ground is paved in white_

_I'm sure you're doing great out west,_

_And you're fine out on your own,_

_But know the front door key still works if you choose to come back home_

_Have you made a lot of friends there,_

_In this new life that you've made?_

_Are there days that you think maybe, you should possibly have stayed?_

_I'm sure you're happy where you are,_

_And you do not miss the calm,_

_But remember where the spare key sits_

_If you want to come back home_

_They'll be seconds, sometimes minutes, where your face won't cross my mind,_

_They'll be days that I'm angry that you left me here behind_

_And I know you've gone to find yourself, it doesn't make the pain hurt less,_

_When I'm here all alone I wonder,_

_How I'd fair out west…_

'_cause though I miss you, and God do I miss you,_

_a life out there would make me feel incomplete…_

'_cause I'd miss the change in seasons, and the smell of firewood_

_And though I'll be out to visit, New York's my home for good,_

_I know you're happy where you are, and you're fine out on your own,_

_Just know I'm here with open arms, if you find yourself back home_

A/N: I'm baaaaaack! Phew. That was a really long hiatus, wasn't it? I watched Private Practice on Wednesday and they FINALLY acknowledged that Addison and Derek had a relationship, and then I bought the new Scott Alan CD on itunes, so I was inspired to combine the two. The idea for this vignette came from the lyrics in italics, which are the lyrics to "West" by Scott Alan, sung by Julia Murney on the CD. Review, please?


	33. Younger Than Springtime

_August 1995:_

He watched her leaning against the nurse's station, tapping her pencil determinately against her clipboard. Strands of her auburn hair fell from the bun she'd thrown together that morning, her lack of sleep effecting how much she cared about her own appearance. She was wearing her glasses, he'd noticed- her eyes had probably gotten tired after the twelve hour shift- and he smiled, knowing she hated having people see her wear the thick brown frames in public.

When her eyes glanced toward him, his jumped down to the chart he was reading, pretending he was remotely interested in the list of symptoms he was pretending to read. He saw the flash of her red hair moving away out of the corner of his eyes and peered over the chart, watching as she shuffled tiredly along the corridor and turned into a patient's room. His own shift had ended ten minutes ago, but when he saw her there at the nurse's station, he'd stopped, acting as if he was supposed to be working. This was so sad, he thought.

He relocated to the interns' locker room, preparing to go home before he made himself look even more pathetic. He looked up at the mirror, seeing his own tired eyes reflecting back at him.

"What are you, a stalker?" he muttered to his reflection, sighing.

Addison was his best friend. He felt like he was living a double life- one as her platonic best friend who lost to her at poker and watched movies on the tattered old couch in his studio apartment with a bowl of popcorn in between them, and the other the one who'd pined for her in the privacy of his own section of the locker room for the past year and a half.

Falling in love with Addison was easy- inevitable, really. After all those years of wanting to beat up every guy she went out with, it was surprising that he hadn't diagnosed his infatuation earlier. She was everything he wasn't, and being with her made him feel completed in a way he would never be able to put into words. So he went home to his dark, tiny apartment, prepared to suffer in silence until the right words came.

_November 1995:_

Addison Montgomery did not pine. She didn't wallow in self pity or hide behind corners, watching a guy pass by. Yet here she was, ducked into a random patient's room to avoid running into Derek in the hallway and embarrassing herself yet again. She apologized to the old woman looking confused on the bed behind her and retreated to the locker room as quickly as possible, pretending she'd never realized that she was in love with her best friend.

_January 1995:_

"You promised we wouldn't have to watch a chick flick."

Derek whined, shifting uncomfortably on the couch.

"It's not a chick flick, it's South Pacific! It's a classic musical!" Addison exclaimed, glaring at him.

"Even better." Derek said sarcastically, then shifted again, "Your couch is uncomfortable."

"It is not. You're just used to your hole of a couch at your apartment."

"Hey!" he said in mock defense, "My couch is not a hole. It's just…sinks a little."

"Fine." She said, sticking out her tongue at him.

"Mature." He muttered under his breath.

"Shh! This is my favorite song of all time." Addison said, leaning forward to look at the screen, where John Kerr was serenading France Nuyen.

Derek watched Addison more than the movie, seeing her eyes smiling as she stared at the screen. As the chords of the song came to a close, she sighed. "That's going to be my wedding song." Addison whispered, leaning back on the couch as Derek shifted his eyes away.

_April 1996:_

Addison stumbled into the locker room, blindly twisting her lock to the numbers of the combination. She felt like she could fall asleep right here, leaning against the locker bay, she had to force her eyes open as she swung open the metal door. As she sat on the bench, a folded sheet of paper fluttered out of her locker, landing at her feet. She opened it tiredly, figuring it was a note from Mark and Derek telling her to come by and bring pizza. But the writing, centered on the page in cursive font, was words she knew by heart. As she read through to the last line of the page, her exhaustion seemed to have faded away, her heart beating a million miles a minute. There was no signature, but she knew exactly who the lyrical note was from.

_I touch your hands  
And my heart goes strong,  
Like a pair of birds  
That burst with song.  
My eyes look down  
At your lovely face,  
And I hold a world  
In my embrace._

Younger than springtime, are you  
Softer than starlight, are you,  
Warmer than winds of June,  
Are the gentle lips you gave me.  
Gayer than laughter, are you,  
Sweeter than music, are you,  
Angel and lover, heaven and earth,  
Are you to me.

And when your youth  
And joy invade my arms,  
And fill my heart as now they do,  
Then younger than springtime, am I,  
Gayer than laughter, am I,  
Angel and lover, heaven and earth,  
Am I with you!

And when your youth  
And joy invade my arms,  
And fill my heart as now they do,

Then younger than springtime, am I,  
Gayer than laughter, am I,  
Angel and lover, heaven and earth,  
Am I with you.

Addison held the note in her hands for a moment before slamming her locker door and running out of the hospital, still in her scrubs.

XXX

The doorbell rang at 1 AM, rousing Derek from his couch, where he'd fallen asleep a few hours before. He rubbed his stiff neck- Addison was right, his couch was a hole- and shuffled to the door, assuming it was Mark looking for somewhere to crash after a drunken night out. But on the other side of the threshold was Addison herself, her hair disheveled and her light blue scrubs wrinkled.

"Addison. What's-"

"You remembered."

"What?"

"You remembered." She repeated, a smile beginning to form.

"I- oh." He said, realizing what she meant. "You got my note, then."

"I did."

They stood silently for a minute, neither one wanting to break the thin ice they were walking on. Addison stepped forward first, moving to stand inches away from him. She moved her lips closer to his and kissed him, pulling away almost as quickly.

"Angel and lover, heaven and earth, am I with you…" she whispered, then walked out the door with a smile, leaving Derek speechless as she always did.


	34. Baby Steps

A/N: So this I sort of AU. Derek cheated on Addison in NY, not the other way around, and Addison flees to LA. Everything that's happened on Private Practice pre-Kevin has happened in the story. Derek has been in NY, so no Meredith, no SGH, no Mark issues. Enjoy! :D

They sat at the kitchen table, the clinking of their forks the only noise in the room. It had been like this for months- days of barely seeing each other, and when they did, there was nothing to be said.

"You done?" She asked, standing and holding out her hand expectantly.

"Oh, yeah." He handed over the empty dish and watched as she took it away. She started to fill the dishwasher and he wondered if she would notice if he walked out of the room. But he didn't want to chance another fight, so he stayed seated, waiting for her to ask him for help. She never did.

"Do you want me to...finish up?" he asked from his seat, seeing her pause.

"No, it's okay. I can do it. I know you're tired."

Her voice sounded exactly that- a tone of exhaustion, and two years ago he might have gotten up, wrapped her in his arms and told her to leave the dishes until tomorrow; she should go to bed. But now, he just nodded and watched as she rinsed each dish, her hair falling out of its tie and landing, disheveled, over her shoulders.

He had loved her once. From the day they met through the first nine years of their marriage, he had worshipped her, fearing that if he did something wrong, every perfect moment they'd had would come crashing down. But somewhere along the line, that concern seemed to fade and he found himself at the hospital more than usual. He inadvertently scheduled shifts when she was home. He stayed longer with patients when he really didn't have to. Somewhere in the past year, the undying love he'd promised had fallen away.

He shook his head, trying to erase his train of thought. He loved her. He loved her. He told himself three times, he loved her. Of course he loved her. Things like that didn't just go away. Right?

XXX

He expected her to throw him out. He'd pictured screaming and crying and broken vases meant to hit his head, but instead she just looked him in the eye, her focus unbroken when he confessed the one thing every wife fears.

"I slept with her."

He knew Addison had seen them together at the hospital, the glances, the convenient pages that sent them both out of a meeting.

"More than once?" she asked, the tone of her voice even.

"No. Just once."

She looked at him for a long time, making him wonder if she was in shock or just angry, but she finally sighed and ended her stare.

"Okay."

She walked out of the living room, up the stairs, and to the bedroom, leaving Derek clueless in his chair, not knowing whether he should follow.

She came back down ten minutes later, carrying her purse, a suitcase, and car keys.

"Where are you going?" he asked, eyeing her luggage.

"I don't know." She said honestly, and looked him in the eye once more, expectantly. He didn't say a word, and he saw the disappointment cross her features before she walked out the brownstone door and out of his life.

"I'm sorry." He whispered under his breath, watching the headlights fading down the street.

XXX

It had been three years. He had sat in that brownstone every day for three years, expecting her to walk through the front door, but a key never turned in the lock. He told himself that this is what he wanted; this was his punishment for not loving his wife. And that was it, right? It was because he didn't love her. He'd tried to convince himself of this for three years, but it landed him on a plane at LaGuardia, flying to the only place he thought she could be.

Oceanside Wellness Center was new, clean, bright and a comfortable two block walk from the beach. Addison would love it here, he thought, as he walked through the modern glass double doors. A boy who didn't look old enough to have graduated college sat at the reception desk, his sandy blonde hair falling in his face.

"Uh, hi. I'm looking for Addison Shep- Addison Montgomery. Do you have any idea who that is?"

The boy looked at him skeptically. "Well, she's our boss, so…yeah. Her office is over there, I don't think she's meeting with anyone right now."

"Okay, thanks." He said, feeling stupid as he walked towards the office. Their _boss? _She was running the center? What happened to Naomi and Sam?

He peered in and his heart stopped when he saw her, talking animatedly on the phone, her hair down and straightened. She didn't look much different, just tanner from all of the sun she'd gotten in her time away from New York. She hung up smiling, and when she lifted her head, the smile turned to shock as she saw Derek standing on the other side of the glass.

He watched her get up slowly, as if trying to see if she was hallucinating, and she opened the glass door, staring at him.

"Derek. What…what are you doing here?"

"I needed to talk to you."

"Okay…" she said, disbelieving, and let him into her office. He sat on the couch and she sat down next to him, awkward silence blanketing the room.

"How did you find me?" She asked, still sounding shocked.

"I figured that out of anyone, you'd go to see Naomi. So I came out here on whim, hoping she'd know where you were, but here you are."

"Yeah. I…got voted to be the boss."

"I heard. Naomi and Sam didn't want to do it?"

"No, they got divorced, so now they don't agree on anything."

"They got divorced?" He asked, his mouth gaping. "Wow."

"Yeah."

Another awkward pause came in, and they avoided looking at one another.

"Addison, I…" he stopped, not knowing how to begin, "I needed to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry it took me this long to say it and I'm sorry I ignored you for the last year we were together. I thought…I thought I was in love with her, but then I realized that she was only a replacement for you. I missed you and didn't realize it, and I still don't know why I pushed you away. I think we got too comfortable and let ourselves get busy and then it just spiraled out of control. It took me three years to get it, but I've never stopped loving you. And the thing I'm most sorry about is letting you walk out that door."

He finished, finally taking a breath, and tried to judge her reaction. She turned towards him and could see tears starting to form in her eyes, tears he felt terrible for causing.

"I didn't understand it." She said, her voice unsteady. "I didn't understand why you weren't happy. I tried so hard to make you love me again, and then we both gave up, and I thought she gave you something I couldn't. So I left to try and make things easier. Cleaner. But it just didn't work that way, because for three years I've missed you and wondered what it would have been like if I had stayed. I've always loved you, Derek. I tried to push through it every night you worked late to avoid me. I ignored it when you left with her in the middle of meetings. But I just couldn't take it anymore, because I couldn't sit there knowing you didn't love me anymore."

She turned away from him, not wanting to grant him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

"Addison." He whispered, placing his hand on hers even when she flinched, "I have never stopped loving you. Not for a minute."

That set her off and she cried, three years of repressed feelings pouring out in one sitting. She didn't cry on the plane ride to LA or the first night alone in her new house or the one year anniversary of their breakup, and now all of the hurt piled together and she was leaning into him, remembering how they fit together like puzzle pieces. After a few minutes, she pushed away, sitting up and ignoring how terrible she must look.

"I'm sorry." She said, "That was…"

"It's fine." He said softly, "You're fine."

"But it's not fine!" she exclaimed, whipping around to face him, "None of this is fine! You can't just ignore my existence for three years and make me think that you'd hate me forever and then waltz in here expecting me to take you back!"

"I know." He whispered.

"Why should I believe you? Why should I believe you still love me after all of this."

"You…don't have a reason to. But please, just take the plunge and just trust me on this."

"I don't know if I can do that," she said, wiping her eyes, "I can't get hurt again, Derek."

"I know that." He said, then repeated more to himself, "I know that."

The silence came again, this time deafening.

"Let me show you." He said, thinking up a solution on the spot.

"What?"

"Let me prove that I'm not going to hurt you again. I'll stay here, we'll take it slow, I'll…win you back."

She laughed darkly, "It's not that easy."

"It can be."

"Derek, you have a job in New York."

He pulled out his cell phone, hitting the speed dial.

"Chief, it's Derek Shepherd. I'm in LA. Yeah. She's here. But listen, I…I have to quit. I just…you need to understand how important this is. I know. Yes, I know. Thank you for understanding. Okay. Goodbye."

He turned to her, flipping his phone shut. "Not anymore."

Her eyes widened, stunned.

"I…I…" she trailed off, not thinking of another reason to force him to go. "Okay." She resigned with a sigh.

"You have a month." She said, and left him on the couch in her office, smirking.

XXX

The month had passed and she didn't ask him to leave, which he considered a good sign. He wanted to run up to her, kiss her until she was blue and tell her he loved her more than anything in the world, but that would send her running for the hills in fear of getting involved with their drama, so he stayed back, working his newly acquired shifts at the associated hospital to Oceanside Wellness.

He was leaving the hospital one evening when a nurse chased him down, running from behind the desk.

"Doctor Shepherd!" she called, looking out of breath when he turned around. "Someone came and dropped this off for you. A woman with red hair…"

"Right, thank you." He said, although he had no idea what it was. He peeled open the envelope and reached in, feeling cold metal. He pulled out the key, which had one of Addison's hot pink post-it notes affixed to it.

_Welcome Home. You've been patient._

_-A_

A grin wider than he could have imagined crossed his features, and he drove right to Addison's beachside house, where she was waiting for him inside. They had taken baby steps to get here, he knew, and he vowed not to screw it up.

"Baby steps." He reminded himself as he put the key in the lock, opening the door to a new life.


	35. And So it Goes

_In every heart there is a room  
A sanctuary safe and strong  
To heal the wounds from lovers past  
Until a new one comes along_

I spoke to you in cautious tones  
You answered me with no pretense  
And still I feel I said too much  
My silence is my self defense

Derek sat at the table in dimly-lit Joe's, watching his college friends dancing drunkenly and still laughing about the infamous Cadaver wedding song. His eyes rested on Addison, whose unusually short hair rested just above her shoulders. He squinted his eyes. It felt too new, too different. All this while he'd convinced himself that Addison would never change, and now she was here with new short hair to match her sunlit veranda and private practice.

His hand rested next to his jacket pocket and he felt the box pressed against the fabric, causing his eyes to narrow even more. The ring. That godforsaken ring that he wished he'd never thought to carry around, the one he had wanted thirteen years ago and never got.

"_I'm proposing to Addison." He blurted out, wincing as Amy and Katharine's eyes collectively widened and they jumped up to smother him in an excited hug._

"_Oh my God! When?" _

"_I don't know yet. I just…I need the ring."_

"_Of course."_

"_But I'm worried that mom…won't let me have it."_

"_She promised it to you, Der, when you graduated college. She said it was yours when you found the person you would be with forever. She can't just not give it to you."_

"_But we all know she's not…crazy about Addison. And I can't fix that no matter how hard I try, so I don't know how receptive she'll be to my telling her that Addison's the love of my life."_

"_You'll be fine, Derek. She'll come around if she knows that it's really what will make you happy."_

_XXX_

"_No."_

"_What?!"_

"_I'm sorry, Derek, but…I can't do this. I can't give you this when I know you'll get it back with divorce papers in a year or two."_

"_Mom." He snarled, his eyes widening. "I'm in love with her."_

"_Maybe you think so now, but when you'll get a better grip on reality in a year or so."_

"_How can you even say that?"_

"_Because she's not like us, Derek. She grew up in a priviledged family and is used to getting everything she wants, and that's what she's going to expect of you. You'll see. You can't give her what she wants."_

_Derek stared at her, open-mouthed. "You don't know the first thing about her." He said, his eyes forming an icy glare, "And you can keep grandma's ring. I don't need it."_

_He stormed out, slammed the car door, and drove to the nearest jewelers to buy a diamond engagement ring at the only price he could afford._

He was brought back to reality by his beeping pager, and a frown fell across his face as he read the message and pulled out his cell phone to call the hospital.

"Derek, where are you going? Is it Archer?" Anxiety edged on Addison's voice and Naomi reached for her coat.

"No, it's another patient. I have to go."

He ran out, the door slamming shut behind him, and the rest of the group followed suit, leaving Joe to dance alone.

_And every time I've held a rose  
It seems I only felt the thorns  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And so will you soon I suppose_

But if my silence made you leave  
Then that would be my worst mistake  
So I will share this room with you  
And you can have this heart to break

There was a ring. His grandmother's ring, a ring she had never laid eyes on and never would. A ring that would be slipped onto Meredith Grey's finger as soon as Derek gathered up the nerve. She'd lied to Mark back in the bar. She cared, more than she wanted to, and as she sat in her dark hotel room, she started to laugh. A bitter laugh, but a laugh.

This was so utterly perfect. Everything seemed to turn out this way- something that looked great from the start ended in some sort of twisted catastrophe, and she felt emptiness that she hated herself for as she pictured Meredith Grey in a white, lacy veil with a vintage diamond on her left hand. Derek's mother would be thrilled, wiping tears from her eyes, and Addison laughed again when she remembered the stonehedge expression on her face in the pew at their wedding.

This wasn't about the ring, she reminded herself, this was about what came with it. The love, the promise of a forever, the feeling of being the right one. The only one.

"_I'm sorry I couldn't get you a nicer ring," he said sheepishly, pulling himself from his position on one knee, "If I could have afforded it, I would have gotten you something perfect."_

"_This _is_ perfect." She said, wiping tears from her eyes, "_You_ are perfect. It doesn't matter what the hell the ring looks like as long as I have you."_

_She knew she sounded unbelievably corny, but she ignored it and allowed herself to be pulled into Derek's warm, celebratory embrace._

Money had never mattered. She had told him once that she'd rather have one night of lukewarm Chinese take-out with him in his dingy New York apartment than a million dinners at five-star restaurants with anyone else. This was still true, as much as she tried to push it to the back of her mind.

She allowed her eyes to close and tried to forget about him as she drifted off to sleep, the cursed words chanting in a cycle in her head: "The ring he didn't give Addison."

_And this is why my eyes are closed  
It's just as well for all I've seen  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you're the only one who knows  
_

When she woke up the next morning, the light from the outside blinding her as she pulled herself reluctantly out of bed, three knocks rapped on her door.

"Seriously, Nae? Six AM? I'm sure Archer can hang on for an hour or two so we can get some actual sleep…"

She padded to the door, expecting her best friend's face to be on the other side of the threshold, anticipating their leaving for the hospital.

The doorway was empty, and she scanned the halls to see no one, except for the elevator doors closing. As she started to close the door, her eyes caught an envalope on the red carpeted floor.

She lifted it, noticing its bulge, and reached in to feel velvet. "Oh, no. It isn't…" she pulled out the square box and opened it to reveal the beautiful, aging diamond ring sitting in the center of the black velvet. A slip of paper fluttered to the floor behind it and she lifted it, recognizing the scrawly, black writing in the center.

_It's always been yours._

She felt ridiculous for wanting to cry, and she knew it meant nothing but everything at the same time.

"Addison, you up? Because we should try to be there early- what is _that_?"

"It was…outside my door."

Naomi stepped in to take a closer look and gasped, her eyes widening. "He left it?"

She lifted the note, watching as Naomi's eyes scanned the messy sentence.

"Addison, what does this mean?"

"I don't know," she whispered, shaking her head, "but I think…he's leaving it up to me."

"Leaving what up to you?"

"What I want to think it means. Whether it means he feels guilty about not giving it to me in the first place, or if…" she didn't finish the thought, knowing it couldn't possibly be true.

"That he's breaking up with her for you."

She nodded slightly, the ridiculous tears stinging her eyes once again. She couldn't let this happen. She couldn't reopen that tiny little box and release all the feelings she knew were still there.

She took a deep breath, gathered her thoughts, and placed the ring box in her purse as she reached for her clothes.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting ready."

"You don't want to figure out what this means?"

"I will. I'll…talk to him later."

"Whatever you say..."

XXX

They entered Seattle Grace half an hour later, heading straight for Archer's room. As Addison powerwalked, she felt herself bump into someone, forcing her to crash into both Naomi and Sam.

"Oh, I'm sorry-"

"Bitch."

A teary-eyed Meredith Grey weaved through the trio and stormed down the hall, and Addison glanced up, her eyes wide.

"What the-"

From across the nurse's station, she caught Derek's eye and froze. He glanced at her knowingly and her mouth opened slowly, unable to form words.

He walked away, leaving the choice in her hands, and she suddenly felt the weight of that tiny little box she'd shoved everything Derek into after the divorce. It sat in the bottom of her purse; a velvety, understood declaration of love thirteen years too late.

_So I would choose to be with you  
That's if the choice were mine to make  
But you can make decisions too  
And you can have this heart to break_

And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you're the only one who knows.


	36. Observations

"Derek? Are you listening?"

You jostle yourself out of your daydream, blurting out a confused, "What?"

"I asked if you were ready for Donovan's final yet."

"Not even close. That test is going to kick my ass."

"It won't if you study for it." She lectured, "You just need to memorize that anatomy packet and the treatment plans…"

It was easy for your mind to drift away when she ranted like this. That was one of the first things you'd noticed about her- the way she could get on a topic and just keep going, rambling until either someone stopped her or she realized what she was doing and retreated into silence as her cheeks turned red.

But now, you let her ramble. You watch as she studies her textbook, tapping her pencil nervously against the side, her hair pulled back haphazardly with loose ringlets of crimson hair spilling over her shoulders. She's wearing a faded NYU sweatshirt and plaid pajama pants, her unmatched socks sticking out from under her crossed legs, but to you, she is beautiful. She always is. Even with that twinge of self-conscious vulnerability that lingers in her eyes, they sparkle, and when she smiles, they light up, an expression you are happy to put on her face each time you see her.

She looks up from the book, her eyebrows raised. "What?"

"Nothing." You reply, and lean over to read the page she's memorizing. Nothing at all.

XXX

You are sitting at a window table in Starbucks, the green tea in your mug steaming from behind the copy of _Jane Eyre_ propped up in front of you. You squint against the dim coffeehouse lighting, pressing your mahogany-rimmed classes farther up your nose, and you don't see him walk in. But he laughs, and your head raises automatically.

His laugh is possibly the greatest sound in the world, and even on rainy days like today, it makes you smile unconsciously. He hasn't seen you yet, and you watch as he orders, saying something suave to the twenty-something barista who's twirling a lock of her hair as she types in numbers. You suddenly feel old, even though you know you're probably only a year older than the girl at the counter, if that. But while she serves lattes, you read medical journals and Charlotte Bronte, and you think you should feel more sophisticated because of it.

Instead you feel like you did each day in high school- invisible, out of place, and ordinary. And for a moment, you wish you were one of those twenty-something baristas, because maybe then he'd see you as more than just his best friend and study partner.

He turns around and sees you, smiling a greeting and sliding into the chair across from you.

"Rereading it again, huh?"

"Hey, it's a classic."

He knows better than to dispute literature with you, so you sit in a comfortable silence as you sip your respective beverages. You notice for the first time how empty the coffeehouse is- just you, Derek, and the flirty barista, and you hear a faded Diana Krall CD whispering through the speakers.

"You're pretty quiet," he comments, "What's up?"

"Nothing," you say, flashing a smile that you don't even believe is convincing. Nothing at all.

XXX

You're sitting on the subway, the city lights bright despite the late hour, and all you really want to do is go home. But you know it will take a while- Saturday night theatergoers fill the evening route, and it will be a loud and crowded ride back to your apartment.

A man and a woman take the seat in front of you, smiling, most likely in response to whatever Broadway curtain call they'd just witnessed, still on the high of living in another world for two and a half hours. You see couples all the time, but this one is different. Effortless. As if they just went together, simple as that, as if the rest of the world didn't matter in the slightest.

"Thank you for going with me," she says softly, "I know you're not the biggest fan of musicals."

"You know, I actually enjoyed it." He replies, smiling, "And I like to see you happy."

She smiles back, leaning into him.

"You're a great friend, Derek. Thank you."

You can't believe it. You can see what's between them, the feelings that lie underneath, but they haven't crossed that very fine, very inevitable line. Not yet.

They can't see what's right in front of them, and as you step off the subway at your stop, you glance back at the two friends. They just haven't realized it yet. It's nothing to them, you think, nothing at all.


End file.
